The Jorts That Are Ruining Jorts

Jorts are the world’s single greatest item of clothing. But recently, they’ve succumbed to a terrible plague.

1. Jean shorts — “jorts” hereafter — just may be the world’s single greatest item of clothing.


They’re comfortable, versatile, cheap, and easy to DIY from a pair of old jeans. Whoever you are, whatever your style is, you’re guaranteed to find a pair of jorts that suits you.

2. You can wear your jorts short.

3. Or wear your jorts long.

5. Or dress them down. Just look how happy this girl is!

It’s obviously because she’s wearing jorts!

Because jorts are great. Happiness in shorts form.

6. But lately, some jorts have succumbed to what looks like a jorts flu.

They’re suffering. They’re off. They’re uncomfortable-looking and sad and sometimes scary. Their fronts sometimes consist of nothing but a zipper fly.

7. These trapeze acid wash jorts are just confused.

The jorts plague of 2013 has gone to their head.

8. These DIY American flag jorts have been feeling fuzzy for a while.

They’ve lost their identity. You might call it a “crisis.”

9. These jorts are trying to remember what life was like before they had the same proportions as the bottom half of a one-piece bathing suit.

10. Some jorts are so out of sorts they’ve turned sickly colors.

And stopped shaving.

11. And still other jorts are growing fringe so long you could braid it.

Not just regular braids, but really complicated braids — the kinds of braids you need hair this long to pull off.

12. And don’t think man jorts are immune to this epidemic.

Because they’re not.

13. Some jorts are so sickly they’re turning all kinds of colors at once.

14. Some jorts are so confused they’re cutting unnecessary holes in themselves.

Tricking their owners into mistaking such holes for pockets. It’s a tragic situation.

15. The truth is, many, many jorts are eerily bleached, hole-punched, and sporting very bad haircuts right now.

16. You can’t put a Band-Aid over this problem.

Oh wait, that’s not a Band-Aid — those are jorts.

17. These jorts have purged their pockets.

They’ve forgotten that just because Gwyneth Paltrow says to do things, that doesn’t mean you have to!

18. These jorts are so out of sorts they’re gluing wallpaper all over their face.

19. And these jorts just want some drawers to store their craft supplies and friendship bracelets.

They’re not feeling well enough to put things away.

20. And sequins have attacked these jorts, spreading like a bad rash.

21. Even suspenders can’t pull these jorts out of the dark depths to which they’ve descended.

22. As you can see, the jorts plague has caused a serious jorts identity crisis.

Just have faith that in time, the world’s jorts will recover.

We’ll get through this together.

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