2. The pattern on your socks should match the pattern on your track suit.
Another look by MAN. But this wasn’t the finale…
3. Men need cat tees.
Just like women.
Another rule from here: sheer blouses can be tied around the waist.
4. Draw all over your face.
And your metallic bra.
Tip via Louise Goldin.
5. Wear opaque glasses, but cut slits in them so you can see a little bit.
Another suggestion from Louise Goldin’s runway.
6. Wear clear glasses but paint your face a non-flesh color, like mustard.
Add a gray grannie wig for extra drama.
(Tip via Vivienne Westwood.)
7. Wear your pearls asymmetrically.
So you don’t look like an uptight square.
Also from Westwood’s runway.
8. Wear hats that look like a combination of a badminton birdie, umbrella, and a hipster’s hair.
From the Giles show.
Seeing where you’re going is so last season.
9. Wear fascinators that look like a Saran Wrap sphere for your head.
Also from the Giles show.
10. Look like a walking car crash.
Also by Giles.
11. Wear python inset with yellow pastel, but only on the armpits.
I guess this sort of dress is what they call ugly beauty.
Look by Erdem.
12. Make like Kate Middleton Getting Married, and wear lace sleeves.
But unlike her, you can be sexy about it!
Also from Erdem.
13. Carry your matching fanny pack on your shoulder.
See, it’s not fanny packs that are the faux pas — it’s wearing them like a belt that’s the problem.
Tip via Mark Fast.
14. Cover a perfectly sexy vest with a perfectly un-sexy cape.
I don’t know why you never thought to hit the town dressed like Batman before, guys.
By Mark Fast.
15. Turn stamps into clothes.
The work of Mary Katranzou, whose show looked quite beautiful:
16. Accent dresses with random pieces of duct tape.
Now here’s a technique that’s easy to DIY.
Via Christopher Kane.
Plain doilies are for losers.
17. Wear a face that is going to freak out whoever you’re talking to.
Also by Christopher Kane.
By Fyordor Golan.
18. If you’re a man, wear metallic purple jackets.
But not if you’re a woman — this look is way too masculine.
19. Use seams to make your breasts abundantly clear.
I think this is what every cleavage-obsessed Real Housewife is missing in the winter months — a breasty skirt suit that keeps the chill out.
Also by Burberry.
20. Make sure your leather jacket has room for two.
Also make sure your pants take a day off here and there.
21. Dress your poodle in a matching designer vest.
You wouldn’t want him to be seen in something from, like, PetsMart. (LOL!)
Look by Mulberry.
22. Look vaguely medieval.
Also isn’t the waist the best place for a ruffle? Widens it riiiight up for you.
23. Wear pointless nouns on your chest.
25. Wear beautifully colored overalls.
Please, don’t forget the Peter Pan collar underneath.
By House of Holland.
26. Layer your straw hats.
Don’t be the fool that goes out in just one at a time.
Another look by Acne.
27. Make people wonder if your hat is more phallic or nipple-like.
By Fyordor Golan.
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