Style

18 Trends That Died In 2012

A new year is upon us, meaning it's time to find NEW ways to be ironically fashionable. Update your closet with this handy trend guide.

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1. Trend to retire: Navajo print.

These aren't really sweaters as much as huge carpets with arm holes. Navajo print was a fun flash in the pan, but it was never meant to be a long-term commitment, like colored pants or tee-shirts. Now that it's had its moment, navajo print seems best used on a couch throw, not a sweater coat. Let's let navajo prints return to their God-given duty: separating cats from no-cat furniture.

Instead try: dark/moody florals.

The Cut turned me onto this trend. Finally you can wear flowers in the winter without looking like a person who is obnoxiously cheerful about long periods of cold, depressing weather.

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It's gotten to the point where it's not even ironically cool. It just looks like a sad growth on otherwise fine shoes and bags. But the good thing about fringe is you can update all your fringed stuff quite easily with just a pair of scissors and a can-do attitude.

4. Trend to retire: Ironic snow scenes.

These just look like stuff 2-year-olds wear. I know they're probably an ironic offshoot of the ironic snarling wolf tee, but still — large, ironic pictures of animals have their limits in terms of cool-factor.

6. Trend to retire: purposefully messy and/or greasy hair.

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Overt attempts at looking like a slob feel so 2008. As Alice + Olivia designer Stacy Bendet said to me recently, "The full-on sloppy look has hit its five year peak." So, de-grease your hair, take out your braids after a day's wear...

9. Trend to retire: ombré hair.

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When the Kardashians start sporting something that's supposed to be edgy, that's when you know it's the opposite of edgy. The E! network and the stars it's unleashed upon this world are many things, but they are not edgy or ironic.

Instead try: reverse ombré hair!

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This is an extreme example, but if you've done an extreme ombré job on yourself you might be into something like this. Otherwise you can try that OTHER less extreme kind of ombré hair otherwise known as... highlights. Remember those?

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I don't know if this made it to the streets as much as hardcore hipster retailers would make you believe. But in any case, there is just absolutely nowhere to wear these outside of Rihanna's Instagram feed or a nightclub, which requires heavy drinking prior to entry. If you're not going to a place where everyone fist pumps when sirens go off, leave the suspender tights at home.

Instead try: roomy pants.

On the subject of Rihanna, the former reigning Princess of Pantslessness has fully embraced very pants-y pants. These are not pants that act like leggings, or a pants leggings hybrid (see: jeggings) — these are pants that are undeniably not tights or meant to make you wonder if they should count as real bottoms. Release your thighs from the confines of spandex-including fabrics and join Rihanna in enjoying pants that move when the wind blows.

11. Trend to retire: mullet dresses.

This I pulled from Nasty Gal (where else?) and it has the "I'm back!" badge on it because I guess it managed to sell out and has been re-stocked in time for the holiday season. Because nothing says "happy holidays!" like a dress that begs the question "do you need bathing suit bottoms under that?"

Instead try: maxi skirts!

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I know they're impractical for winter but I still am not tired of them. Plus they feel so good against the legs when the wind blows in the summer, right? One of life's small pleasures. Also try one with a slit:

12. Trend to retire: peplums.

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As BuzzFeed Shift's Peggy Wang says, peplums are "like an umbrella for your butt." Really, what purpose do they serve? A prompt for a clueless straight man to ask why you're wearing two of the same skirt at once?

Instead try: a blazer.

If you're wearing a blazer you won't be tempted to wear peplums, otherwise you'll look swollen in the middle and who in the days of gluten-shunning wants that?? Try dark red for an alternative to black.

13. Trend to retire: fur vests.

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If you're not Rachel Zoe and don't have a line of fur vests to sell on QVC, you do not need to go here. Put these back on the sale rack, where they should peacefully be laid to rest this year, once and for all.

14. Trend to retire: looking like a pilgrim.

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From left we have Alexa Chung, Pippa Middleton, and a DKNY runway look. Peter Pan collars on black now feel a little too recession-era depressive.

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We're long past the days when wearing a cross with a bra top outraged people and made them think twice about you. Now crosses just make you disappear into the ether of the everyhipster's faux rebellion.

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Every celebrity always seems to be wearing one on the red carpet.

(Note: Miley demonstrates another reason not to wear studs: they will fight for attention with your elegant, tiny jewelry!)

And that's it for our end-of-year trend report! Feel free to disagree with me about all of it and wear whatever the hell you want whenever you feel like anyway. Because without bad fashion we'd never have good fashion. Or, more importantly, ironic fashion.