5 Ways to Survive a Dysfunctional Family Christmas
Every Christmas, families all over the world gather to celebrate and spend quality time together. For some, it’s a joyous time with food, Christmas carols and family fun. For others, it’s dysfunction at its finest – intrusive questions, family fights and annoying relatives. For those of you in the former category – congratulations! But, for those of you in the latter category, here are a 5 ways to survive.
1.The best way to survive a dysfunctional family Christmas is to Skip it! Forget Christmas and family bonding. Go to the beach instead. Of course, you will need a good excuse to skip. You can pretend to be sick or get really creative. Invent a significant other and tell the family you are spending the holidays with his family. This will require planning, lying, creative thinking and photoshopping. The easiest way to pull this off is to recruit a friend, who also wants to skip Christmas and pretend to date each other. You will need to start this early - by at least October. You will need to tell people you’re dating and start posting photos together on Facebook. Then, around November, change your Facebook status to “In a Relationship”. In December, you will need to purchase or make cardboard cut outs of people in a holiday setting so you can post photos from your “new family celebration” on Christmas day. Once the holidays are over, you can have a crushing break up and tell everyone you never want to speak his name again. Everyone will feel sorry for you and they won’t ask you any awkward questions. But, you better remember the sunscreen.
2.Invent a distraction. At every dysfunctional family gathering, there is always the one nosy relative that just can’t help but ask intrusive questions like, “Why aren’t you married?” Or, if you are married, “When are you two having kids?” Saying you won’t get married until everyone can get married no longer works but there is still one response guaranteed to cause chaos. Respond to any intrusive question with, “I’m not getting married or having kids until Donald Trump is no longer the president.” This will lead to heated debate amongst everyone thereby taking the focus off of you and allowing you to sneak away. But, if you still get intrusive questions, another great distraction is to punt to a sibling. If a relative asks, whatever happened to that sweet guy you were dating? Respond with, did you know Jimmy just got a DWI? It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, that’s his problem to solve, while you are outside pretending to smoke because no one wants to be around the smokers.
3.Eat Your Feelings. Is Aunt Esther complaining about her neighbors, her bursitis and the awful man at CVS for the 10th time? Resist telling her she is a miserable person that needs to get a life by stuffing your face… with stuffing. Your cousin’s kid just punched his mom and told her to shut up. Don’t point at him and scream, “future serial killer!” just have some pumpkin pie. There is nothing pumpkin pie can’t make better. Your perfectionist aunt doesn’t want your help making cookies because your dough is not perfectly round. Show her the best way to prevent imperfect cookies - by eating all the cookie dough.
4.Alcohol – lots and lots of alcohol. Bring a flask that is small enough to fit into your purse or pocket and spike your drink. Your cousins kids constant bickering will be less annoying and actually entertaining when you’re drunk – just be careful not to laugh too hard when one of them begins yelling curse words at the top of her lungs. Or, make it really fun by creating your own drinking game. Whenever anyone asks an intrusive question, run to the bathroom and take a shot. When one of your nieces or nephews throws a tantrum, take two shots. Are your parents doing something embarrassing? Take three – you deserve it. You can turn it into a bonding experience by getting your siblings involved. Take bets on who will drink the most.
5. If none of that works, then just embrace the dysfunction. Don’t just avoid it, be one with it. Ask Aunt Esther why she isn’t dating that guy from CVS. Tell your cousin’s kid that Santa won’t be visiting him unless he refuses to speak for the rest of the day. Tell your nephew’s kids that only one of them gets presents this year – the one that survives the Hunger Games. Tell your niece her hair is perfectly straight except on lone hair on the back of her head. After she straightens it again, tell her now she has two hairs that are wavy – must be the humidity. Finally, the coup d’état - in the middle of dinner, tell everyone you are getting a tattoo sleeve and running away to become a carnie. Then, drop the mic and leave.
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