I Will Remember

Trigger warning: if you have had, currently have or are currently recovering from an eating disorder, please read with caution as this letter may be triggering to some.

An Open Letter To Myself Written A Few Months After Seeking Ed Recovery.

Today I will not punish myself. I will not eat to fill a void or because I feel like it is my only chance to have the thing I want before I have to restrict again.

Today I will not binge and purge or make excuses for why it's necessary to empty my body. I will be remember all the effort I put in to make my body work again. I will remember that purging does NOT to weight loss but actually weight gain. And most of all I will remember purging will lead me to my grave- even if on the worst days when I feel absolutely hopeless, I will remind myself I don't want to die kneeling over a toilet bowl or lying on cold tile floors in the bathroom.

I will remember the panic attack I had on the train when I became too afraid to eat dinner. When I pulled my hair out because I had 50 calories over my limit for the day (600) When the calories spun around inside my head torturing me for hours upon hours and days upon days weeks upon weeks and months upon months

I will remember the Father's Day I ruined because I decided I wasn't going to eat that day and was too weak to enjoy an outdoor fair because the whole time I felt like I needed to faint. And when I got angry at my dad for stopping to eat because I could not stand the thought of putting anything into my body but was tempted by the food.

I will remember the nights I've hung out with my girlfriends but was too weak to enjoy anything. When I cried looking at the menu because I did not know the exact calorie count or kind of oil the restaurant cooked their vegetables in.

I will remember to truly trust my hunger signals and eat only when my body needs it, not when I am bored, lonely, happy or emotional. I will remind myself that no matter how powerful I feel when I starve, it always leads to a road of self-destruction and contradicts everything because I always go on a binge sooner or later.

I will remember not to be weak at night when I feel as though I'm completely alone - food will not fill that void and will ultimately lead to over-eating or a binge which then leads to a purge. And most importantly, will not make my body feel good and properly nourished.

I will remember the day and night I felt happy to be alive. When I have a truly amazing laugh with my girlfriends, when I get a lot done, when I get my favorite breakfast every morning, when somebody I love hugs me, or when I just finished an amazing workout because I had the fuel in my body to keep me going. When I am distracted from the constant validation I need from my Eating Disorder brain.

I will work out and not become obsessed but I will do it because it makes me feel sexy and powerful

I will accept the fact that it may not be a clear, straight path- whether I want to count my calories or measure my food, weigh myself once a week or not at all. I will use every chance I get to not only nourish my body but also my mind and my soul. I will make it a point to practice one thing off of my "self-care" list every day. I will make it a point to shut out the chatter in the part of my brain, otherwise known as my ED brain.