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8 Recipes To Describe Your Mostly Awful But Sometimes Nice Life

Yum! We’re serving up existential crises and momentary happiness!

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All right, admit it — you've totally taken photos of your food and posted them on your social media accounts in hopes of a bajillion likes. Well, we've got news for you: You're doing it wrong. If you want buzz, you've got to show your followers who you REALLY are. Let it shine through your food porn. After all, a good dish is almost inappropriately honest. Next time you feel like whipping up an Instagrammable meal, try one of the recipes below!

1. Suspiciously Cheap Apartment Stir-Fry

First night in your adorable new apartment? Definitely an occasion worthy of an AMAZING dish.

This stir-fry consists of rusty nails, brown water, cigarette butts from your downstairs neighbor, and the REALLY creepy rubber bands a tenant keeps leaving in your shared bathroom. Remember to serve cold because your apartment does not come with an oven. Obviously.

2. A Hearty Music Festival Soup

Celebrate your favorite time of year — festival season! — with a hot, thick, salty soup!

Your base here is going to be cream of mushroom, but for extra thickness, we’re going to stir in some honest-to-god mud. Cool? Like, wet dirt. Next, stir in various drugs, and of course a culturally insensitive accessory.

3. Summer Friday Coq Au Vin

YOU'RE FREE!

Fill a large pot with chicken, mushrooms, garlic, way too many glasses of day-drunk white wine, and a pair of shoes you totally shouldn't have purchased. Sprinkle with pieces of your Jitney ticket.

4. Public Transportation Reuben

Capture the smells and tastes of your commute with this divinely easy play on a New York classic.

Instead of pastrami, use an actual, honest, legit, we’re not kidding, rat. A rat. For the meat. Use a rat. Cover that damn rat in toenails because we have ALL SEEN the people on the subway who clip their nails. And instead of cheese, melt a magazine onto the toenail rat. Because your commute is the only downtime in which you have to read that article about the Danish restaurant opening up in Bolivia. Why would they do that? Makes no sense.

Serve while lukewarm, and enjoy with legs spread wiiiide.

5. Salmon on a Bed of Guilt About Not Calling Your Mom Enough

Pick up the phone — a mouthwateringly inventive way to serve your favorite fish is calling! Look, we all get busy. And we all agree your time is best spent making amazing-looking food rather than calling your poor mother who seriously lives ALONE, do you realize that, she’s ALONE, and you can’t even open the LINKS she sends you?

Instead of greens, lay your super-organic salmon on a bed of calendar pages on which you forgot to write down her birthday and Mother’s Day, various greeting cards she sent you, and the plane ticket home she offered to buy. You asshole. Wow.

6. Job Promotion Quinoa Salad

Congratulations! The (somewhat disappointing, honestly) promotion you’ve been gunning for has finally been bestowed upon you! Why not celebrate with a healthy, heavenly quinoa salad?

Shred up that first paycheck because you will totally blow it, and it won’t even feel like you’re making more money because taxes. Throw some aspirin in there to help your I-GOT-PROMOTED! hangover, and garnish with the flowers your mom sent you at work, which you threw in the trash because you found them embarrassing. Seriously dude, what is WRONG with you? She’s really sweet!

7. Student Loan Quesadillas With Shredded Utility Bill Hash

This is the ideal lunch for anyone living in constant fear of their rising debt and monetary duties.

A delicious medley of Mexican cheeses and spring vegetables wrapped in fresh tortillas made of student loans, accompanied by a hash made of shredded utility bills, diced jalapeños, and onions.

8. That Party Where You Don’t Know Anyone Cocktail

Drink up! You’ve got a long night ahead of you, and everyone is judging you harder than they’ve ever judged anyone in their entire lives.

Mix two shots of tequila with your favorite brand of liquid hand soap (or whatever they have in the bathroom, where you’ll be hiding for most of the night). Rim the glass with wet dog hair, taken from the host’s dog you'll be talking to all night to avoid humans, and add a snack mix garnish, taken from the bowl you will be hovering over later.

For an even more brutally honest depiction of the food world, tune in to the premiere of AMC’s new drama Feed the Beast June 5 at 10/9C.

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