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THE TWELVE MOM-ISMS OF CHRISTMAS

The twelve reasons why my Mom will be feliz navi-DEAD after Christmas.

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12. Makes a Dozen

She bought a dozen coats not just for the kids in her home, but for the kids that are also outside of her home. The snowman even got one!

11. O'Clock Joyride

Just before midnight, when everyone has had one too many and unanimously decides to go look at lights around the neighborhood-- She’s there with a tractor ready to pull everyone’s drunk ass along.

10. to1 Ratio

Her idea of getting into the holiday spirit is to spend Christmas Eve day volunteering at women’s abuse shelters. For every hour she spent volunteering, ten women received a poncho and a bottle of toothpaste.

9. Hours of Shopping Torture

The shopping, the cooking, the cleaning are all seamlessly done by her when no one is looking.

Ugh, we get it Mom. You’re amazing.

8. AM Call Time

At promptly 8 AM on Christmas morning she hands out all of the presents and proudly declares herself as the "best Santa who ever lived".

Even though Dad's in the bathroom putting his Santa suit on.

7. Minutes of Conversational Heaven

She spends exactly 7 minutes talking to each individual at the party to ensure they feel welcomed, loved, and that her pumpkin pie was better than Aunt Susie's from last year.

6. Hour Commute

She does a six-hour commute to another town the day before Christmas Eve to be with forgotten legends at a nursing home and to also make sure Grandma found her teeth.

5. Minute Dreamhome

The gingerbread house she makes in five minutes is a tasteful three-story home, with victorian styled gumdrops lining the candy cane pillars, and inside is the classic dysfunctional animal cracker family.

4. Course Meal

She somehow makes the traditional four course, family dinner delicious despite it being gluten free, lactose free, soy free, Non-GMO, preservative free, battery acid free, arsenic free, cocaine free, and surprisingly, roofie free!

3. Wise Men

Just before the second wave of hunger strikes, she’s always got a round of leftover plates prepared for the three wise men known as Uncle, Grandpa, and Dad.

2. Wishes

The two things on her wish list are meals and clothes for the homeless.

1. Last Thing

And after the party dies and everyone has left to go home, she’ll come to say goodnight-- but just before she goes, I will have to ask, “Mom, did you get everything you wanted for Christmas?”

To which she will point at the squawking bird that sits outside my window and say, “Oh honey, I got everything but the chance to shoot that damn partridge in the pear tree!"

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