Relationships between family members can get...complicated. At least 27 percent of people in the US say they are currently estranged from someone in their family, the New York Times reports, and about 40 percent say they reached this point of strain with a former loved one at some point in their lifetime.
Such was the case for one Reddit user, u/Professional_Rub4448, who we'll call Rub. Recently, Rub shared a story about their estranged parents in the Am I the Asshole subreddit, and it's got people conflicted. Here's what happened in their own words:
"My parents expected me to be independent the minute I turned 18. They gave me the money they had saved up for my education, and they started charging me rent. I was lucky enough to have a partial scholarship, and I found a job in the city my university was in, so I moved there before the school year began. With my parent's money, my scholarship, and my wages, I was able to scrape by. I rarely if ever spoke with my parents."
"I guess they decided that they didn't want that kind of relationship with my younger siblings because they were not presented with the same option. They both lived at home all through university and even afterwards."
"I am 34 now with a decent job and a great girlfriend whom I will be marrying this summer. I sent my parents and siblings an invitation. They called me to ask why they were not involved in the wedding. I responded, saying that they hadn't really been part of my life in 16 years and that I was being nice by inviting them. They said that they acknowledged that they made mistakes when I was young, but that it was in the past and that I should get over it."
"Against my fiancée's advice, I sent them an itemized bill for everything I paid for myself that they freely gave my brother and sister. I said if they wanted to be a part of my life, they had to ante up."
"They said that they cannot afford that because they are in debt still from helping my siblings out. I laughed at that and said I hoped that I would see them at the wedding and hung up."
"My family are all getting ahold of me to let me know how much I'm hurting my parents. The thing is that I don't want their money. And I don't want anything from them at all other than their attendance at my wedding. If they can't do that, then I'm fine with our yearly phone call," Rub concluded.
WHEW. So that's obviously a lot to take in, and though I originally felt steadfast in my opinion, the comment section was more nuanced. Some felt like Rub was acting "entitled" and believe their parents only had a duty to support them through college and not after:
"This isn’t really that terrible of a situation. They gave you money for school, money you probably used to get started once you moved to college. Like, thats a LOT more than most people get. It sucks that they helped out your siblings more, but it was only because they realized their mistakes with you. Unfortunately, thats how a lot of parents learn (with their older children). I really can’t imagine sending my parents a bill after they helped put me through college. The fucking audacity," user u/innocentnevil said.
Others weren't convinced and pointed out that money wasn't the true issue here, but just an example of how Rub felt unsupported by their parents in comparison to their siblings.
"The crux of the matter is the unfairness of treatment between Rub and his siblings. It's not really the money. Presenting the bill was really giving the parents a big ol' serving of humble pie. Clearly, he doesn't really expect or hope that his parents would make financial amends," u/busyshrew rebutted.
User u/AshlynM2 agreed, adding: "They reap what they sow. It’s not about the money, it’s about the drastically different treatment they gave their children. Then they expect to have a close relationship? I get that you didn’t really want their money, but that you wanted to make a POINT."
"I hate when parents are like, ‘Oh, it was so long ago, and look how happy you are now. You’re fine. Get over it!’ Enjoy your life, and your yearly phone call. The best revenge is living well."
Outside of the debate over finances, many couldn't believe that Rub's parents would only wake up to the lack of relationship they had with their son after receiving a wedding invite — and then expect to be involved on top of that.
"Not the asshole. Maybe the itemized bill was a bit much, but I imagine it was cathartic for you. Your parents haven't been around in a decade and a half. They have a lot of nerve to ask to be involved," said user u/Poetry-dreams.
Some said they wouldn't have invited the parents at all.
"Not the asshole. I wouldn’t even have invited them at all. These people that kick out their kids at 18 are unbelievable," said user u/Karnataka11.
And ultimately, commenters decided that Rub could invite whoever they want into not only their wedding preparation, but life as well:
"You get to decide what type of relationship is healthiest for YOU when it comes to your parents. You expressed how you felt, and so did they. Doesn't seem like they actually want to take responsibility for making a mistake, but are forcing you to 'get over it.' They had 16 years to make it right and chose not to. Now, they have to answer to family and friends about their involvement in your wedding and are trying to make you look like the bad guy.
I do think it's important to work out these feelings and healthy boundaries in therapy if you haven’t done so already. But that is for your health and has nothing to do with them," concluded user u/Jenuine_jeanna.