Five Reason Betrayal Hurts So Badly

Betrayal goes deeper than just disappointing someone, it can have lasting, damaging effects. Dr. Shira Olsen, CSAT, addresses five reasons that betrayal hurts people the way it does.

1. Betrayal is Relational

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The closer you are to someone, the more devastating it feels when they betray you. You would not for instance feel the same level of devastation if an acquaintance lied to you versus your spouse. If someone you love and trust hurts you, it’s difficult not to generalize this experience and fear that other people in your life could easily hurt you as well. This belief is unsettling and can impact your ability to be open and vulnerable with others.

3. Betrayal is Traumatic

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No one plans on being betrayed. You are in a relationship because you believe that your significant other is safe, trustworthy, and will not hurt you. When betrayal occurs, these beliefs are shattered in an instant making you question your views about yourself, your world, and the people in it.

4. Betrayal is Confusing

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When intimate betrayal is not something you would ever do and thus outside of your values, it's difficult to comprehend how someone could do such a thing. Trying to make sense of someone’s betrayal is exhausting and can lead you to believe it is somehow your fault. Our mind wants a simple explanation, and unfortunately the quickest solution leads us to blame ourselves (or doubt ourselves), even when it’s not our fault.

5. Betrayal Feels Personal

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When you are betrayed, it’s personal. When it's someone else, we find reasons to not make it about them. Although irrational, this personal bias exists for a reason. When faced with extreme pain our mind tries to quickly make sense of it in order to regain safety — the logic is, if I can figure this out, I will no longer feel as hurt. With no good explanation on hand, we resort to the simplest solution, which is, it must be something about me.