Welcome. Today, we're discussing another tale from the "Am I The Asshole?" subreddit — the land where people ask if they're in the wrong for the way they handled various situations. Today's story covers a gender "reveal" gone wrong.
You've probably seen countless gender reveals at this point, from the cringey to the absolutely wild (like when these gender reveal parties — yes, plural — started massive wildfires). And you may have come across the occasional "meltdown reveal," whereby one of the parents becomes visibly upset upon learning the gender of their unborn child.
That leads us to our story — redditor u/Leading_Gene4976 (aka Gene) asked the public to help him out: Is he the asshole for overreacting after his wife lied about their baby’s gender? Let's get into it.
He began, "My wife, 25, and I, 32 are expecting our first child. I've reacted in ways I'm now questioning and need outside perspective." He provided some background about his "tumultuous" childhood, which he said lacked a strong father-son bond.
"During her first pregnancy appointments, I was on an essential business trip. These trips, though draining, are critical since I'm the only breadwinner, trying to ensure a different life for my child than I had. In my absence, my wife and her adopted mother attended the check-ups. Upon my return, she excitedly told me we were having a boy. We invested emotionally and financially: a blue nursery, boy-themed items, even naming him after my late grandfather."
"However, a chance remark from her mother disclosed we're having a girl. My wife admitted she knew from the beginning but didn't tell me, thinking she was protecting my feelings. I was devastated, feeling the weight of past hurts and fresh betrayals. In my pain, I cleared out the nursery and, in a moment I regret, told her mother she wasn't welcome at upcoming family events, seeing her as part of the deceit."
People had MANY thoughts about this dilemma, ranging from debate about why his wife lied, to frustration with the way Gene reacted. Overwhelmingly, though, people were most concerned with the way Gene responded to having a girl. Here's what they had to say:
"You very much did overreact in clearing out the nursery and disinviting her mother from coming over. You voicing your pain and devastation over having a girl is probably the reason she was afraid to tell you. She probably wants to be excited about this child and didn’t want face you being devastated that it’s a girl."
"The fact that men are often disappointed by our very existence as women, even in utero, continues to highlight society's shitty view of women. Sorry you think you can’t live out your Field of Dreams fantasies with us? ... It’s actually you that doesn’t want to include us due to archaic gender roles. Why do you assume a son would want to do this with you?!? You're the asshole. She shouldn’t have lied, but it’s quite clear why she did."
Others also called out that it's unfair for Gene to project his own unmet expectations onto his unborn baby:
Some were quick to point out that Gene should "reconsider his attitudes on sex and gender," because ultimately, children don't know the difference. As u/Leifang666 put it, "If you're not prepared to love a child regardless of gender identity, sexuality, their mental and physical health, you're not ready to have a child."
Still, some think his wife shouldn't have lied so that Gene could be prepared for the result ahead of time:
"His wife should have told him and helped him work through his feelings so he could be prepared to be the best father he could be."
But others noted that it's not his wife's job to help him through his "complex feelings," particularly if she feared his response, and noted professional help might help him work through his problems:
