10 Delhi Metro Hacks That Will Obliterate Your Travel Woes

There are only four DMs that matter during the journey that is a Delhiite’s life- Direct Message, Digital Marketing, Dialysis Machine and DELHI METRO (hell yeah!!!). All of us Delhi Metrovians love the metro. It is the very lifeblood of our waking hours, but sometimes… lifeblood burns. We’ve all been there- long hours spent commuting with vomit, loud music and recycled odours. We could suffer and crib till the end of our wretched days. But instead, we choose to B+ve, and bring to you these quick fixes! Read on, to find 10+ simple metro hacks that have been produced by the keen minds of your fellow DMRCers with a penchant for optimization. Explore this curated list, and say goodbye to your metro misery.

Disclaimer: Delhi Metro Hacks are subject to common sense. The authors of this self-help guide do not take responsibility for any damage caused during the use of these hacks (or any hacks inspired by them).

1. When in a hurry, skip waiting in the token line, and buy a Smart Card instead. The queue(s) for the latter are shorter, and you are bound to save time, which can be used to wait for the next train as this one will be too full to board. It’s called ‘Smart’ Card for a reason. ;)

2. In case nature calls, head to any of the fine, pristine and cost-effective Sulabh Shauchalyas. The attendants at these toilets are seldom attentive, which allows you to pinch a few coins off their table on the sly-sly. Voila! Earn money for peeing.

3. You may find yourself fighting tooth and nail to get through the milling crowds at the platform. To eliminate competition, carry marbles and disperse them generously. Your heart will be warmed to see how easy this will make the process of boarding the train.

4. Once on the train, pop in your earphones, but- and this is important- do not listen to any music. This will give you a chance to eavesdrop on other passengers’ conversations and get the inside scoop on their d e e p e s t darkest secrets.

5. Photography on the train is illegal. But not taking a pic when you look hella fine is the real crime. Flout the rule, be a rebel, and in case you get caught… exhibit your social awareness by calling it a contribution to #SelfieWithDaughter.

6. If you don’t have a seat and a sniffer dog gets on the train, use this situation to your advantage. Whip out those bacon bits you were holding for an evening snack, and sprinkle them on the nearest seated passenger. Let Doggo do the rest!

7. Another way to clear up a crowded train is to throw up. Simply reach back into your throat with a finger and caress your uvula. You may not get results in your first attempt, but even the sound from your efforts will alert nearby passengers that sh*t is about to go down. For best results, eat corn prior to commuting.

8. Night time is for trickery. Introduce a little anarchy: Reassure men entering the ladies’ compartment that they have nothing to worry about. And then call up the metro helpline to register a formal complaint. Stand back and yell “Instant Karma!” You now have another excellent anecdote to share over hors d'oeuvres.

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10. Smuggling in alcohol from across the border on a dry day? Security personnel may stop you and play partypooper. Don’t let that bottle go to waste. Indulge in some police-civilian camaraderie and pop that wino right there. Let the liquor flow and the good times roll. As the men in uniform let down their guard, lead an impromptu conga line and show them how to party.

- Aina Singh, Tariq Adib