Recently, u/greenonion04 asked the people of r/AskWomen, "Divorced women of Reddit, when did you realise your marriage was officially over?". So, we thought we'd share some of the most-upvoted replies:
1. "I had gone to the gym in our apartment and ran on the treadmill for 20 minutes."
"I had never been able to do that before (I had undiagnosed asthma at the time so that's why running was so hard). I came home and was so proud of myself and told him.
He rolled his eyes and said running for 20 minutes isn't hard. That was it. That was the moment I was done. I put up with so much and supported him in so many ways but he couldn't even say good job to me over something so small. It was like the veil lifted and I could see everything. I called a lawyer the next day."
2. "My ex-husband begged me to stay with him after cheating."
"I went through some therapy and decided to try to work through it.
He told me that if I ever cheated on him he would leave me. I was done as soon as the sentence left his mouth."
3. "I told my husband point blank 'I'm not happy.'"
"He said 'If you're unhappy you're free to leave.'
And I did."
4. "I realised it was over when I had completely switched off, and whatever he said or did made no difference to how I felt."
"I knew I wasn't coming back."
5. "I turned him down and he asked me: 'What do you even do for me? What do you do for our child?'".
"I listed everything, I don't even remember his response. I remember the way he asked me, the way he couldn't see how hard I was working for our family, and it broke me. It's been over a year and it still makes me so angry. I always felt like no matter what, I wasn't doing enough."
6. "When I realised I was in love with his potential and who he could be."
"Sadly his actions didn’t follow his words and I couldn’t do it anymore. 14 years we were together."
7. "I was ill with a condition that affected my vision, and I had to wear an eye patch."
"Per doctor's orders, I needed to rest. I was also terrified about my health and doing poorly. However, my husband was used to me taking care of everything or at least holding his hand through everything. So when he broke his glasses at work, he needed me to go with him to the glasses store 30 minutes away to get a new pair, because he couldn't handle this transaction on his own.
It was rainy, cold, and I had zero depth perception. We had to wait for his glasses to be ready, so he made me walk around outside with him on the slippery sidewalks when I couldn't see well. I was miserable and cold. That's when I knew he was never going to shape up."
8. "When I would take extra shifts at work so I wouldn’t have to go home and deal with him."
"The tension in our house from all the things we didn’t know how to say was unbearable."
"I would sit in my car in my work parking lot for almost an hour before heading home."
9. "When he finally started doing all the things I had been asking him to do (date nights, chores list, caring more about the bills, and a more enjoyable bedroom situation) and I didn’t care anymore."
10. "It was right after my dad died."
"The day my dad’s ashes were delivered, he came home and told me I was ruining his life because I was 'sad all the time.' Then, during my dad’s funeral, he said he was only there because he had to be and that he would much rather be somewhere else.
He spent the night after the funeral bar hopping with a woman he’d had a crush on, leaving me at home alone. A few days later, he said that I had to let him sleep with other people or else he was going to file for divorce. So, I filed instead. Easiest decision of my life."
11. "I moved into the guest room after more than a year of zero intimacy."
"Three months later I asked him why he's never asked about me moving into the guest room or even attempted to discuss our marriage. He just got frustrated that I even brought it up. I responded by saying I'd never bring it up again and hired a divorce lawyer the next day. Easiest decision I've ever made, but only after many years of frustration, depression, and self-doubt. 10/10, would do again. My only regret is not divorcing sooner."
12. "He left the state to attend a funeral. I had encouraged him to go since I knew it was important to him, even though we had two toddlers and I ran a small (but very, very busy and time-consuming business)."
"I knew it would be difficult to handle everything without him there, but I also knew it was important to him to be there.
Except it wasn't difficult. My life was so much easier for those four days. The kids and I were so much happier. The house stayed clean. We didn't have to walk on eggshells trying to gauge his moods. I was able to juggle taking care of the kids and my business all by myself easily. We even did a ton of arts and crafts projects.
I realised my life was easier and better without him in it. I had been contemplating divorce for a long time, but I figured it would be too difficult to handle everything on my own. When I realised that the kids and I were so much happier and the house upkeep was so much easier and handling my business was so much simpler (even with the constant distractions and reduced amount of time I could work each day), I knew I could do it."
13. "When his girlfriend got pregnant."
"We did not have an open marriage. Did not know about the girlfriend. This was during the time our one-year-old daughter was recovering from a major surgery. Jerk."
14. "He used to say 'I can't do this anymore' all the time when things didn't go his way."
"One day I told him how awful that made me feel. The next time he told me he couldn't 'do this anymore', I told him I couldn't do it anymore, either. And that was the beginning of the end. I think we both kind of gave up trying.
We're still working through the process. It sucks. He's a wonderful guy in many ways. And a fantastic dad. "
15. "He kept finding jobs that required him to be away from the house during the day or for long periods at a time."
"He was active duty military whenever we got married and once he got out he found an overnight job where I didn’t see him, then worked on the railroad where I didn’t see him, did private contracting overseas, and the final straw was getting an overnight road construction job across the country."
16. "When I stopped trying to talk to him about why I wasn’t happy. I’d exhausted myself to the point of not caring."
17. "When he chose to stay at home, waiting for a potential phone call (that his business partner could have answered) rather than going on vacation with me."
"It would have been our first holiday in five years. It suddenly became clear that he no longer loved me, and only cared about his business.
I went on vacation alone, had a blast, and then came back and left him. No regrets."
18. "When he refused to stay by my side at the hospital after major surgery and a cancer diagnosis."
19. "I was 8.5 months pregnant and had told him my blood pressure was high and I was at risk of pre-eclampsia (again) and I needed him to please not do anything to upset me or stress me for the remainder of the pregnancy."
"I told him my life was at risk and the baby's life was at risk. He said he understood.
He stole money from my bank account three days later. When I asked what he had done with my money, his words were verbatim: 'Wouldn't you like to know.' He'd been awful to me the entire pregnancy, but I thought learning about my actual delicate condition would make him stop. It didn't.
I realised this was his way of telling me he did not care if I was alive or dead, didn't care if the baby was alive or dead. I realised that if a man treats you this way when you're 8.5 months pregnant with his child, this never, ever ends.
I asked for a divorce when the baby was one month old. Ten years and nine days ago today."
20. "When he told me during an argument that my feelings didn’t matter."
"I told him how much it hurt me, and instead of apologising, he just said 'I didn’t mean it'. He was proud of the fact that in 17 years, he had never apologised to me."
21. "At one point, I realised that everything about him was repulsive, especially his smell. My olfactory sense told me that it was over."
22. "When I realised I was a mother rather than a partner."
"I spent my free time cleaning at night when I should’ve been sleeping. I kept having to remind him to clean his protein powder off the counter. I also tried to teach him how to drive. He’s someone else’s problem now."
Shout out to u/greenonion04 and r/AskWomen for having this discussion.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
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