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I Thought I Understood The World, Then I Found Out How Brussels Sprouts Grow

They don't just...appear on the ground or something?!

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Here we see the humble Brussels sprout: round, proud, the opposite of candy and somehow still tastes good to some people, looks like a tiny head of cabbage.

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Now, call me ignorant, but I've only ever seen the B.S. (and boy, is it ever B.S., you'll find out why soon) in two forms: the one above, and cooked, like so:

Because let's face it: I'm not going out buying packages of these things to eat by myself.
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Because let's face it: I'm not going out buying packages of these things to eat by myself.

But recently (like ten minutes ago) I happened upon some disturbing news. Everything I knew about the world came crashing down. And that occurred when my manager and now-ex-friend Andrew casually dropped THIS in our work Slack chat:

Andrea Hickey / BuzzFeed

Naturally, this brought my workflow to a screeching halt. I started frantically looking for stock photos of Brussels sprouts on the stalk, and, well...

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Take your time. Take all the time you need to process this. Breathe, then continue.

WHAT IS THIS??? WHAT IS THIS?????

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Meanwhile, back in the chat, this was my reaction to the stalk. I was stunned, but thankfully, my problem-solving skills were not compromised.

Andrea Hickey / BuzzFeed

As you can see, I was spot-on. Brussels sprouts on a stalk look exactly like jingle bells, which I'm pretty sure are the technical term for this instrument.

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UH...which is which?!

Now, I know this might be confusing or difficult to hear, but I'm just going to come out and say it: I have taken it upon myself to decide that Brussels sprouts are bells, and when they're on the stalk, they are, in fact, jingle bells.

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That's why they're good for the holidays.

When you're eating a big, buttery dish of Brussels sprouts, you're eating bells, folks.
Getty Images

When you're eating a big, buttery dish of Brussels sprouts, you're eating bells, folks.

And now you can say you learned something today.

Andrea Hickey / BuzzFeed

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