“It doesn’t have to end this way, you know?” she said.
“I’m sorry, but it does”, he replied. “What is the point of this relationship if we cannot be faithful to each other?”
“Please! Don’t do this!” she said, almost begging.
“I’m sorry, but I am done with this. This relationship. I don’t know what I am anymore, what I have become. It’s, like, there is this toxic….thing….inside me that just won’t come out, and its killing me. Slowly. Painfully. And I cannot live like this anymore. I need to be what I was before. I need to be happy."
“I’m sorry I cheated on you! I promise it won’t happen again. I’m so sorry. It was a stupid mistake and I regret it. Please,” she begged, knowing deep down that she was fighting a losing battle.
“I’m sorry, but you have said this way too many times. It’s not your mistake. I was the fool. I should have known that I had lost you a long time ago.” He turned away from her, to face the window, “I was a fool to have not noticed the change in our behaviour towards each other. This relationship was broken, much before today. And I cannot continue like this, and I will not apologise for this.”
And she finally knew. This moment. It was over. Finally. Forever.
She turned her back to him on the verge of walking out. She paused and whispered, “I’m sorry”, but it sounded almost mechanical. She walked towards his office door, and just as she was about to turn the handle, his voice made her pause again.
“You know, I remember everything.”
“What?” she asked.
“I said, I remember everything. The day we met,” he continued, “I remember, the first time I saw you. It was this little café, on 22nd street. I was sitting on the table next to the window. I saw you when you entered but I couldn’t see your face. You had an orange winter cap on your head and your hair covered your face. You were wearing this powder blue sweater and a black jacket. You walked straight to the counter and ordered a blueberry muffin. My favourite kind. And then you turned, your long hair swirling around because of that tiny movement, and brushed the snow off of your shoulders.” He paused, hesitating to say more. “That’s what I meant. I remember.”
She looked at him from the door, awestruck. Her voice faltered, as she said, “I….didn’t know you were there.”
He smiled a bit as he turned towards her, and said,” Yes. Yes, I figured you wouldn’t have. You were in such a hurry. You were out within half a minute, and I was in love. I came back. Everyday. At the same time. In the same café, and sat in the same chair, hoping that I would have a chance to see you again.”
She still stood at the door, her hand on the handle, not knowing what to say.
“It took some time, but two weeks later, I saw you again, and I came up to you and asked you out. I’m sure, that you remember this,” he said.
“Yes. Yes, I do. It’s not every day that you are asked out by a complete stranger in a café. But your voice and tone seemed so confident, so sincere, that I had to say yes,” she said.
“If you only knew what was happening in this little heart of mine. I think I nearly had a heart attack that day, just asking you out. I nearly peed my pants,” he laughed.
They looked into each other’s eyes, across the room, and laughed, a laugh that was pure, devoid of any mirth and full of their forgotten love. As their laughter trailed away, they looked down at the floor, unable to meet each other’s eyes.
“What happened to us? Where did we lose ourselves along the way? Why have we become these things that we would have never imagined turning into?” she asked, hoping she sounded rhetoric. She knew the answer in her heart, she didn’t want to hear it out loud.
“He happened, my dear. The first time you cheated on me with him, I thought it was my fault. Maybe I had not been able to keep you happy, maybe I was making a mistake. I tried to change myself. Tried to make myself a person who could be what you wanted. Somebody that you’d want to be with,” he said. “Maybe you thought that this meant that you could take me for granted. Maybe you did it unknowingly. I don’t know. But then you cheated the second time and I tried to be more like him, because I thought that he was the kind of guy you wanted to be with. I didn’t want to lose you, so I tried to be more like him. But even that wasn’t enough, otherwise, you would not have cheated on me again.”
“I don’t know what came over me. You may be right, you know? Maybe I did take you for granted. Thought that you’d forgive me no matter what because you loved me so much.” She paused and looked at him. “Don’t get me wrong. I loved you too. A lot, in fact. But I just didn't know what I wanted, what I was looking for. Maybe that’s what drew me to him.”
As she stopped talking, the silence hung heavy in the air. Both knew what the other was thinking. They were reminiscing the past moments. Before everything had turned horrible and when they had thought they would never be separated.
She was the first one to break the silence. “I guess what they say is correct. You never value something you have, until you have lost it.”
“Yes”, he said, “maybe it is true after all. At that point, we wanted to know everything about each other. Our likes, our dislikes, what irritates us, what makes us go doe-eyed, what our favourite colour is, what do we like to eat, how do we sleep- if we curled up into a ball or spread out all over the bed.” He laughed at the memories, remembering the answers to each of these questions even as he said the words. He kept on looking at a point on a floor a couple of metres away from her feet, still not able to look into her eyes. “And look where we are now. The answers to the same questions would now never let me fall out of love with you. We cannot stand each other. We are irritated by everything that the other one says. Angry all the time.”
“But then, why did you change? You shouldn’t have! I loved you before you changed too! Hell, I still do!” she said, her voice threatening to rise in desperation and volume.
He laughed a humourless laugh and said, “You still don’t get it do you? People aren’t like salt and sugar to taste the same throughout the year, no matter the weather or conditions. People change according to the situations they are put in. These last six months of our relationship have taught me a lot of things and changed me a lot. This person that I have changed into, I don’t recognize him. It is not who I want to be. I need to think about my happiness too, and this is the only way left now.” He turned away from her again and face the window of his 55th floor office. He stared outside the window for a long time. He heard the door open and, after a few moments, close.
He did not need to turn to check if she had actually left. He knew that she had. He looked down at the people bustling about on the street below and wondered how easy it would be to chase after her, asking her to get back with him again- a last chance at their two year long relationship. His heart told him to run after her, but his head told him otherwise. There had been a time when he had asked her the question that his heart had wanted- “Will you go out with me?” Now it was time to listen to his head.
After what seemed a long time, he turned away from his window, and walked over to his table. He took the frame that lay face down on it. It was a picture of him and her - or was it a picture of him and the stranger who had just walked out the door? - in happier times. He remembered that day well. They had gone ice skating last year, in the park during Christmas. They had asked a guy to click their picture as they kissed in front of the large Christmas tree. Maybe, he thought, the single guy had been the lucky one after all.
As he stood there, caressing the frame gently, a tear finally rolled down his cheek.
*
As she left his office, she heard the door click shut behind her. For the first time, she felt lonely. Alone. She did not let the other people see her crying. She wouldn’t. She was a strong girl. And yet, there was something wrong. Why was it so difficult to hold her tears back? She entered the door labelled ‘Stairs’ and started to walk down all the fifty five floors. At the 47th, her world seemed to crash. She sat down on the stairs and cried. Cried like she had never before. Cried like she thought it would never stop. And yet it did, just two minutes later. Suddenly, she felt ashamed of herself. Two years of love had to deserve more than just two minutes of tears.
She climbed down the remaining stairs in a stupor. She walked out of the building and started walking up the road. She was five blocks away before she stopped. No, she decided. Our love deserves another chance, and this time I will make it work. He has done enough for me, and now it’s my turn. I will make this work.
She turned to go back to him, as screams erupted on the street around her. She tried looking around for the reason and realized that she didn’t have to. The reason dominated the sky in front of her. Her eyes widened in fear and her mouth opened to form a scream that would never leave her throat.
The plane was about a hundred metres away from the building she had exited not more than ten minutes ago. The time was 8:46 am. The date was 11th of September, 2001.
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