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It’s apparent in many situations, you will hear of people referring to Gay men who don’t appear to have a more ‘feminine’ personality as ‘straight acting’, in the Gay community you will find this mostly on dating apps such as Grindr.
Many men will advertise themselves as ‘Straight acting’ as if it’s a prize to be sincerely proud of…the concept that screams “Look at me! A Homosexual who does not fit the stereotype, aren’t I hot?”. Most straight folk will applaud these men in real life with shock and admiration, shock that they ‘couldn’t tell!’ that they were gay because that’s obviously a good thing, right? And admiration because it seems authentic and original, as if having feminine traits as a man is something to be ashamed of or a show they put on for the audience.
The sad thing to me is that the concept of ‘straight acting’ being seen as a trait to be applauded or admired is very homophobic, and extremely harmful not only to the LGBT community but also to heterosexual men. At the root of the issue is an immense amount of misogyny, the type of misogynistic behaviour that equates men being feminine as ‘wrong’. Before I began my journey into transition I dealt with this misogynistic and harmful behaviour from others on a day to day basis.
I never truly fit into this world as a ‘man’ and I always knew this, even my closest friends would often meet me with bizarre statements such as “I wish I had a male best friend…you know what I mean, you don’t count! I mean a REAL man”. Back when I was trying to assert my masculinity (basically trying my hardest to fit into this box I was born into) I would feel extremely hurt, mostly because these same friends would often say similar things along the lines of “Oh, you don’t need to know…this is girl talk”. Because I appeared and presented as Male, and yet had quite a few feminine features to my personality I was cast out not only by strangers but also nearest and dearest, I wasn’t “girl enough” to be included in the girly conversations and I wasn’t “Man enough” to be considered a guy. What the hell was I then? And where did I fit?
I realise now that my intense discomfort with not being ‘man enough’ or ‘woman enough’ was due to my dysphoria and desire to be what I truly was, a woman. My hatred and discomfort with this behaviour doesn’t cease though, not by any chance, because now I empathise with the Gay men who do fit into the ‘stereotype’ and are shamed for it, and I empathise for straight men who have feminine traits.
Men are men, are men…if you identify as a man you are a MAN, regardless of how feminine your walk is, how many power tools you own and the interests you have. Being a muscly manly man who lives in his shed, spits as he walks and lives to drool over a football game or a shiny car doesn’t make you ‘a REAL man’, it just makes you a man. Being a man who has interests in fashion, wears makeup or has an interest in drag doesn’t make you less of a man, you’re still just a man.
In this ever so fast paced world we live in, we are constantly told to be ourselves and yet the moment we aspire to be our authentic selves society knocks us down and shouts ‘NO, NOT LIKE THAT!’. This idea that showing any kind of feminine characteristic if you’re male being shameful or emasculating is so sexist and harmful that I don’t understand how people don’t get more upset over it.
I find it even more upsetting when I see Gay men post on their Facebook or Grindr profiles stating things such as ‘if you are a man act like one!’. What does that even mean? How does one need to act to be a man? And shouldn’t we all aspire to be ourselves, and not stuff ourselves into some society-made concept of who we are? It bothers me to no end.
I just can’t stand the idea of a community like the LGBT+ community enforcing this idea of denying your true self, have we learnt nothing? I know many people will say “who cares about this? Tell these men to grow a pair and just be themselves! Fuck society!” but no, I know what it’s like to be denied an identity and a place in this world due to who you are. I tried so hard to be a man because I kept being told I wasn’t one, I can’t imagine how it feels to genuinely be a man and being told they aren’t a ‘real man’ because of their likes, interests or mannerisms.
And what does ‘straight acting’ even mean? I didn’t know there were terms and conditions on the way you must present and act to qualify as a heterosexual. Sorry, but if you like men exclusively and you identify as a man you’re gay…and you act gay, because that’s what you are. If you identify as a man and like women exclusively you are straight, regardless of how you dress, speak, or appear.
Let’s be rid of this idea that femininity is something to be ashamed of, because trust me femininity is one of the most powerful and strong traits in this world.
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