*checks clock* "Good, still have 30 minutes." *checks clock what feels like two minutes later* "Oh no, where did all that time go??"
"I thought 'flipping the bird' meant kids capturing birds and just chucking them at random people."
You know a TV show was written by a man when they call a $36 bra expensive.
"All we need to know is that’s evil, and evil did something, and evil needs to pay for what he did," the local sheriff said.
"People be like, 'I'm baby.' No, you're three months behind on rent."
"If the How I Met Your Mother creators were set on sticking with their plan, then the show shouldn’t have lasted so long."
"Mrs. Darbus is a clout chaser."
The Playstation is turning the same age as Justin Bieber. Let that sink in.
"I ordered cookie dough to my apartment at midnight, and the delivery rider asked if I was okay. I mean, what do you think, Robert?"
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Elon Musk Says He Thought A British Cave Rescuer He Called A “Pedo Guy” Could Have Been Like Jeffrey Epstein
“When I said ‘pedo guy,’ I didn’t mean that he was literally a pedophile; it was just an insult.”
"SNL" Has Fired Shane Gillis For His Racist Remarks Just Days After NBC Announced He Was Joining The Show
"The language he used is offensive, hurtful and unacceptable," an SNL spokesperson said Monday.
Surprising new couple alert!
"I'm wandering around Whole Foods like Tom Hanks in 'The Terminal.'"
A VSCO girl is all about, like, self-aware basic-ness and good vibes.