The Boy Who Wasn't Unalived

"Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, liked flexing that they very basic, thank u. Tbh they were the last people you'd think would be sus, because they were all fax no printer. "

What started it all: This reddit post

butterednutsquash / Via reddit.com

Text: Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, liked flexing that they very basic, thank u. Tbh they were the last people you'd think would be sus, because they were all fax no printer.

Mr. Dursley was adulting at a firm called Grunnings, which made drills.

He was a dummy thiccc (w/ three Cs) man with hardly any neck, although he had an absolute unit of a mustache. Mrs. Dursley was a total Karen with zero chill and had hella neck, which came in very useful when she was stalking her neighbours and not minding her own.

The Dursleys had a small son called Dudley who they thought was the main character. The Dursleys were mostly thriving, but they also had lowkey tea which didn't pass the vibe check and their greatest fear was to get called out and cancelled. They were girlbossing too close to the sun and didn't think they could [end].

My favorite phrase here is "they were all fax no printer." I have no idea what that means.

Do you need this as a book? Unfortunately, it doesn't (quite) exist.

I originally came across this as a screenshot on Pinterest, and alas, the comment section informed me that this book doesn't actually exist.

HOWEVER!

Someone on Reddit posted an open-source github document to crowdsource (crowdwrite? crowdtranslate?) more of this vaguely cursed concept.

Here's the github link:

https://github.com/typoes/harry-potter-gen-z

So you can read (a little bit) more of it.

It looks like the book is currently finished through chapters 1 and 2, while 3 and 4 are in progress. Since this project is open-source, anyone can make a Github account and contribute if they so desire.

Some gems from the first two chapters:

"As he drove toward the town he had no thonks, head empty, except for some drills he had to sell. Let's get this L O A F, he thought."

"...the night when Mr. Dursley saw the fateful news report about them hooter birbs [owls]."

But wait! It gets worse (...better?) (Even more cursed?)

There's a millennial version of the original post too. To be honest, I'm not sure which was posted first, as the date on both posts reads 7 months ago.

Chapter One: THE BAE WHO LIVED. YASSSSS!

pieborg / Via reddit.com

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley were so lucky that they were finally able to move out of their parent's house and actually buy their own home at number four Privet Drive. Humble brag. They were proud to say that they were meh AF, k thx. They were the last peeps you'd expect to be involved in anything cray, because they just can't even.

Mr. Dursley was a savage director at a firm called Grunnings, which made drills. Not to body shame, but he was packing more pounds than your average dad bod. He had zero neck, but his mustache, which he regularly shampooed and conditioned, was on fleek. Mrs. Dursley was a total mood with a neck that was so extra that she could easily snoop on the neighbors. Sorry not sorry.

The Dursley squad had a not so smol son called Dudley and in their opinion there was no finer boy anywhere. Said no one ever.

The Dursleys life was totes lit, but they also had a secret that was major cringe, and their greatest fear was that it would go viral and break the internet. They would be completely shook if anyone [end]

unknown / Via knowyourmeme.com

the-bored-cat

In case thou hast no idea whatst thou hath just rested thine eyes upon, I shall leave some charts of Gen Z and Millenial slang here:

Gen Z:

James Callahan / Via google.com

James Callahan / Via google.com

James Callahan / Via google.com

Millenial:

unknown / Via talkagency.com.au

Also, while not related to the above reddit posts, I feel these are relevant:

sleepyamericanteen

Text: - Anyone got a hot take on Gen Z students at Hogwarts?

- Me, a new professor desperate to connect w the youths: and so expelliarmus will 'yeet' the wand right outta their hand

-THIS EXCEEDS ALL EXPECTATIONS. THANK YOU

dragon-in-a-fez

Text: - I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who had practiced one kick 10,000 times. - Bruce Lee

- Harry Potter, the boy who dared to ask, "why study all these other spells if I can get really good at yeeting everyone's wands out of their hands"

Anyways, I'm out. Ciao.

Pokémon 1997