Larry the dog got out & was missing ALL DAY! Got a call & WHO rescued him? @KalPenn! #Random #grateful lockerz.com/s/193000408
— Kathy Griffin (@kathygriffin) March 16, 2012
Cool thing about Hunger Games Camp is they teach archery, treeleaping, fishing etc! ONLY bummer is you might get murdered by another camper.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) March 16, 2012
A very happy 86th birthday to my friend, mentor & one of the funniest human beings of all time, Mr. Jerry Lewis.
— Dane Cook (@danecook) March 16, 2012
A hunger strike can be as short as a minute, right?
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) March 16, 2012
Sorry Goldfish Crackers. You will never be taken seriously as a food until you lose the sideways grin.
— Rob Huebel (@robhuebel) March 16, 2012
When Newt says he's going all the way to the convention I wonder if he thinks there's going to be an amazing buffet
— Andy Borowitz (@BorowitzReport) March 16, 2012
Charlotte wanted to say " have a great weekend"yfrog.com/hs8lllej
— Henry Winkler (@hwinkler4real) March 16, 2012
Relax everyone. Clooney's just researching his role for the new Tupac bio pic.
— mileskahn (@mileskahn) March 16, 2012
POP. POP. We have the best fans. Wish I could hug every one of you!!!
— Ken Jeong (@kenjeong) March 16, 2012
It's a sad day when the plumber looks at his van, reads "Number 1 in a number 2 business", and realizes it just isn't funny anymore.
— Andy Richter (@Andy_Richter) March 16, 2012
You deal drugs but don't eat meat on Fridays while practicing Lent. SMH
— Vinny Guadagnino (@VINNYGUADAGNINO) March 16, 2012
My favorite part of being bicoastal is the opportunity to miss certain pairs of shoes.
— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) March 16, 2012
Off to the gym. I blame Obama.
— mileskahn (@mileskahn) March 16, 2012
Had a dream last nite that Justin Timberlake died in a motel from a heroin overdose. I haven't checked TMZ but I assume this did NOT happen.
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) March 16, 2012
New ABC series "My Little Kony" #pickitup
— Amy Schumer (@amyschumer) March 16, 2012
The one and only @llcoolj and me. Or as I like to call this pic, "Big Man, Little Man" #H50 #NCISLA twitter.com/danieldaekim/s…
— Daniel Dae Kim (@danieldaekim) March 16, 2012
Men's "Spanx" coming soon. Finally, I can conceal my ass. Better solution than sweatshirts and pants!
— Mike Birbiglia (@birbigs) March 16, 2012
George Clooney arrested today. For theft. Of America's heart. (Which is the line to go eff myself? Is it this one? Ok I'll stand here.)
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) March 16, 2012
You can only fight fire w/ fire. Translated: you can only fight Dave Matthews Band w/ Black Eyed Peas.
— Nick Thune (@nickthune) March 16, 2012
#SickRantormum promises war on porn. right after he screws the entire female population. #noreproductiverightsforbadgirls
— Sandra Bernhard (@SandraBernhard) March 16, 2012
Ohhhh so @MTV does still exist! Only without ANY music. Ah. Thanks everyone! ;) #changeyourdamnname
— Shane West (@shanewest_1) March 16, 2012
Just saw a baby with glasses. What's that eye exam like? Just a toddler doctor, "bettow, or wowse?" #toddoc
— Pete Holmes (@peteholmez) March 16, 2012
Nicole Richie must have gotten her dad a recording contract. And the guy's actually pretty good!
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) March 16, 2012
Im almost 33. Yikes.
— Adam Levine (@adamlevine) March 16, 2012
Kudos to the #Clooneys - men of principle, like father, like son.
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) March 16, 2012
Anyone know a great product for thin eyelids? I fear I'm approaching the crepey eyelid phase of life & I'm willing to fight it
— Dina Manzo (@dinamanzo) March 16, 2012
Dumping clutter. Making lists. Flipping tables. Redefining everything.
— kimya dawson (@mrskimyadawson) March 16, 2012
George Clooney arrested!Should I lend my services? I'm kind of focused on @WWE #SmackDown tonight though #OtungaLaw twitter.com/DavidOtunga/st…
— David Otunga (@DavidOtunga) March 16, 2012
Rick Santorum gets heartburn from water. #InMyHeart
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) March 16, 2012
For Halloween, Rick Santorum went as a Saltine. #InMyHeart
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) March 16, 2012
Rick Santorum is 1/8th cottage cheese. #InMyHeart
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) March 16, 2012
Rick Santorum has body hair in the exact shape of his sweater vest. #InMyHeart
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) March 16, 2012
Rick Santorum wears a fireproof leotard under everything. #InMyHeart
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) March 16, 2012
Rick Santorum's childhood nickname was "Mr. Santorum." #InMyHeart
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) March 16, 2012
Rick Santorum preferred the second Darrin on "Bewitched." #InMyHeart
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) March 16, 2012
Rick Santorum refuses to put his left hip in during the Hokey-Pokey. #inMyHeart
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) March 16, 2012
Rick Santorum wears a fireproof leotard under everything. #InMyHeart
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) March 16, 2012
Rising gas prices are causing a steep rise in consumer prices and will slow any future economic growth. It is a tax on all Americans.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 16, 2012
@realdonaldtrump's new plane. Sweet ride!instagr.am/p/IPYep3CkJO/
— Ivanka Trump (@IvankaTrump) March 16, 2012
