What’s The Deal With Jazz?

My hands automatically clench into fists when I hear someone scatting.

1. Turn off the public radio…

2. And get this instrument of torture out of my face.

3. Because this is all I hear when I listen to jazz.

4. The thing is, jazz songs never GO anywhere.

They’re just interminable noodling!

5. And just when you think you’ve reached the end of a song, IT STARTS OVER.

It’s like visiting a special part of hell where everyone has a goatee and is holding a brass instrument.

6. And how can anyone truly take scatting seriously? Are you people for real?

7. Jazz Guys really freak me out, too.

8. They sometimes have hair like this, which is terrible for everyone involved.

9. And guess what they put on top of it? FEDORAS.

Jazz Guys account for, like, 74 percent of all fedora wearers, which basically makes them criminals in the rest of the world’s eyes.

10. Not even Muppets can get away with jazzin’ out.

And Muppets make EVERYTHING good! Well, everything else.

11. But really, the worst part of despising jazz is when people say, “No, no, you just haven’t heard the good stuff! Blah blah blah Miles Davis Charles Mingus blah blah blerg.”

Actually, I have. I have, and I hate it. So stop trying to convince me otherwise, you sax-loving freaks.

12. In closing, if this is your idea of a good time, then please don’t invite me to your improv jam.

I think I’ll stick to music with actual structure, thankyouverymuch.

Editor's note

This post has been reinstated after it was brought to our attention that the author deleted it, against our editorial standards.

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