The 22 Best Masturbation Jams Ever

From Green Day’s “Longview” to Britney Spears’ “Touch of My Hand,” pop stars love to sing about self-pleasure.

Ah, masturbation – one of life’s oldest and most universal pleasures. The following 22 artists, of all different decades and genres, can back me up here: No matter who you are, sometimes you just need to rub one out…and then maybe write an awesome song about it.

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1. Billy Squier, “The Stroke”

If Billy Squier’s, er, “stroking” technique is as good as his dance moves are in this video, I totally get why he’d write a song celebrating that.

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2. Tweet ft. Missy Elliott, “Oops (Oh My)”

Tweet may SAY that she didn’t mean to flick the bean, but I think we all know the truth.

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3. Roxy Music, “In Every Dream Home, a Heartache”

Apparently, Roxy Music’s idea of a Stepford wife is a blow-up doll.

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4. Green Day, “Longview”

Bored? Green Day suggests an activity bound to keep your hands (or at least, hand) full.

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5. Britney Spears, “Touch of My Hand”

Am I the only one somewhat comforted by the fact that that what was once probably the most masturbated-to woman in America gets down with herself, too?

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6. Nirvana, “Spank Thru”

You can tell this song is from the Nineties because if you tried to write the line “sticky boredom with a book” now, you’d have to replace “a book” with “the Internet.”

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7. Motorhead, “Vibrator”

This song is sung from the viewpoint of a vibrator itself, which totally rules – I’m sure some of us occasionally wish we could see certain people from that up-close-and-personal perspective.

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8. Cyndi Lauper, “She Bop”

“They say I better stop or I’ll go blind.” THEY’RE LYING TO YOU, CYNDI. Keep doing what you’re doing, queen, because this song rules.

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9. Chuck Berry, “My Ding-a-Ling”

I love Chuck Berry to death, but is there anything skeevier than referring to your junk as your “ding-a-ling?”

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10. The Divinyls, “I Touch Myself”

Not only one of the best masturbation jams ever written, but also one of the best karaoke songs for the exceedingly brave.

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11. The Vapors, “Turning Japanese”

Disclaimer: 98% of scientists agree that beating off does not, in fact, change your race.

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12. Tori Amos, “Icicle”

Tori Amos just wants to lay down and…well, she can tell you the rest.

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13. Dresden Dolls, “Coin Operated Boy”

Amanda Palmer wants more than your average vibrator.

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14. Violent Femmes, “Blister in the Sun”

Somehow, the strained vocals alone suggest a lot of time spent staining sheets.

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15. The Buzzcocks, “Orgasm Addict”

Not only is this a song about masturbation, but one by a band whose name is a masturbation reference. Next level.

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16. Kelly Rowland, “Feeling Me Right Now”

Sometimes you’re looking to take home the baddest bitch in the club, and sometimes that person is yourself. I think this is especially true if you happen to be Kelly Rowland.

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17. Pussycat Dolls, “I Don’t Need a Man”

I never thought I’d say this, but here’s some feminism brought to you by the Pussycat Dolls.

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18. Generation X, “Dancing With Myself”

If he had the chance, he’d ask the world to dance, but for now Billy Idol’s totally cool with a little self-love.

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19. Animal Collective, “Guys Eyes”

Essentially, Panda Bear is stroking it to keep himself from cheating on his wife. Um, that’s noble, I guess?

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20. Janet Jackson, “If”

Miss Jackson, you so nasty. In the best way.

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21. Devo, “Praying Hands”

A fun way to listen to this song is to picture Mark Mothersbaugh masturbating in Devo’s trademark red hat. Now there’s a mental image.

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22. Alanis Morissette, “Hand in My Pocket”

I refuse to believe that having one hand in a pocket and being this thrilled about it can result from anything but using said hand for private, sexy purposes.

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