The 22 Best Masturbation Jams Ever

From Green Day’s “Longview” to Britney Spears’ “Touch of My Hand,” pop stars love to sing about self-pleasure.

Ah, masturbation – one of life’s oldest and most universal pleasures. The following 22 artists, of all different decades and genres, can back me up here: No matter who you are, sometimes you just need to rub one out…and then maybe write an awesome song about it.

1. Billy Squier, “The Stroke”

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=bLHc-yIAPbg.

If Billy Squier’s, er, “stroking” technique is as good as his dance moves are in this video, I totally get why he’d write a song celebrating that.

2. Tweet ft. Missy Elliott, “Oops (Oh My)”

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=_eYaUWzbVt4.

Tweet may SAY that she didn’t mean to flick the bean, but I think we all know the truth.

3. Roxy Music, “In Every Dream Home, a Heartache”

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=LSniBxXjK_8.

Apparently, Roxy Music’s idea of a Stepford wife is a blow-up doll.

4. Green Day, “Longview”

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=42BBdzzgPNM.

Bored? Green Day suggests an activity bound to keep your hands (or at least, hand) full.

5. Britney Spears, “Touch of My Hand”

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=OM3pnBRvG1M.

Am I the only one somewhat comforted by the fact that that what was once probably the most masturbated-to woman in America gets down with herself, too?

6. Nirvana, “Spank Thru”

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=sTYF7G_R_mY.

You can tell this song is from the Nineties because if you tried to write the line “sticky boredom with a book” now, you’d have to replace “a book” with “the Internet.”

7. Motorhead, “Vibrator”

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=Yw507RD2XmU.

This song is sung from the viewpoint of a vibrator itself, which totally rules – I’m sure some of us occasionally wish we could see certain people from that up-close-and-personal perspective.

8. Cyndi Lauper, “She Bop”

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=EAzm64zXNjk.

“They say I better stop or I’ll go blind.” THEY’RE LYING TO YOU, CYNDI. Keep doing what you’re doing, queen, because this song rules.

9. Chuck Berry, “My Ding-a-Ling”

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=ADTJ1W_XKYI.

I love Chuck Berry to death, but is there anything skeevier than referring to your junk as your “ding-a-ling?”

10. The Divinyls, “I Touch Myself”

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=wv-34w8kGPM.

Not only one of the best masturbation jams ever written, but also one of the best karaoke songs for the exceedingly brave.

11. The Vapors, “Turning Japanese”

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=gEmJ-VWPDM4.

Disclaimer: 98% of scientists agree that beating off does not, in fact, change your race.

12. Tori Amos, “Icicle”

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=53uqoLpnuGA.

Tori Amos just wants to lay down and…well, she can tell you the rest.

13. Dresden Dolls, “Coin Operated Boy”

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=j4gPZPKJc0s.

Amanda Palmer wants more than your average vibrator.

14. Violent Femmes, “Blister in the Sun”

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=8YdQBkxf4kU.

Somehow, the strained vocals alone suggest a lot of time spent staining sheets.

15. The Buzzcocks, “Orgasm Addict”

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=p2Mi995ggFU.

Not only is this a song about masturbation, but one by a band whose name is a masturbation reference. Next level.

16. Kelly Rowland, “Feeling Me Right Now”

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=0QTA2xLqBZo.

Sometimes you’re looking to take home the baddest bitch in the club, and sometimes that person is yourself. I think this is especially true if you happen to be Kelly Rowland.

17. Pussycat Dolls, “I Don’t Need a Man”

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=qBsEF7Qx09o.

I never thought I’d say this, but here’s some feminism brought to you by the Pussycat Dolls.

18. Generation X, “Dancing With Myself”

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=Q_sJ6-4C_Ws.

If he had the chance, he’d ask the world to dance, but for now Billy Idol’s totally cool with a little self-love.

19. Animal Collective, “Guys Eyes”

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=XhtIIyvivSw.

Essentially, Panda Bear is stroking it to keep himself from cheating on his wife. Um, that’s noble, I guess?

20. Janet Jackson, “If”

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=mrvgO0vw6lM.

Miss Jackson, you so nasty. In the best way.

21. Devo, “Praying Hands”

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=eriibofIjgk.

A fun way to listen to this song is to picture Mark Mothersbaugh masturbating in Devo’s trademark red hat. Now there’s a mental image.

22. Alanis Morissette, “Hand in My Pocket”

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=LQ8D5Ihe4hg.

I refuse to believe that having one hand in a pocket and being this thrilled about it can result from anything but using said hand for private, sexy purposes.