Ah, masturbation – one of life’s oldest and most universal pleasures. The following 22 artists, of all different decades and genres, can back me up here: No matter who you are, sometimes you just need to rub one out…and then maybe write an awesome song about it.
1. Billy Squier, “The Stroke”
If Billy Squier’s, er, “stroking” technique is as good as his dance moves are in this video, I totally get why he’d write a song celebrating that.
2. Tweet ft. Missy Elliott, “Oops (Oh My)”
Tweet may SAY that she didn’t mean to flick the bean, but I think we all know the truth.
3. Roxy Music, “In Every Dream Home, a Heartache”
Apparently, Roxy Music’s idea of a Stepford wife is a blow-up doll.
4. Green Day, “Longview”
Bored? Green Day suggests an activity bound to keep your hands (or at least, hand) full.
5. Britney Spears, “Touch of My Hand”
Am I the only one somewhat comforted by the fact that that what was once probably the most masturbated-to woman in America gets down with herself, too?
6. Nirvana, “Spank Thru”
You can tell this song is from the Nineties because if you tried to write the line “sticky boredom with a book” now, you’d have to replace “a book” with “the Internet.”
7. Motorhead, “Vibrator”
This song is sung from the viewpoint of a vibrator itself, which totally rules – I’m sure some of us occasionally wish we could see certain people from that up-close-and-personal perspective.
8. Cyndi Lauper, “She Bop”
“They say I better stop or I’ll go blind.” THEY’RE LYING TO YOU, CYNDI. Keep doing what you’re doing, queen, because this song rules.
9. Chuck Berry, “My Ding-a-Ling”
I love Chuck Berry to death, but is there anything skeevier than referring to your junk as your “ding-a-ling?”
10. The Divinyls, “I Touch Myself”
Not only one of the best masturbation jams ever written, but also one of the best karaoke songs for the exceedingly brave.
11. The Vapors, “Turning Japanese”
Disclaimer: 98% of scientists agree that beating off does not, in fact, change your race.
12. Tori Amos, “Icicle”
Tori Amos just wants to lay down and…well, she can tell you the rest.
13. Dresden Dolls, “Coin Operated Boy”
Amanda Palmer wants more than your average vibrator.
14. Violent Femmes, “Blister in the Sun”
Somehow, the strained vocals alone suggest a lot of time spent staining sheets.
15. The Buzzcocks, “Orgasm Addict”
Not only is this a song about masturbation, but one by a band whose name is a masturbation reference. Next level.
16. Kelly Rowland, “Feeling Me Right Now”
Sometimes you’re looking to take home the baddest bitch in the club, and sometimes that person is yourself. I think this is especially true if you happen to be Kelly Rowland.
17. Pussycat Dolls, “I Don’t Need a Man”
I never thought I’d say this, but here’s some feminism brought to you by the Pussycat Dolls.
18. Generation X, “Dancing With Myself”
If he had the chance, he’d ask the world to dance, but for now Billy Idol’s totally cool with a little self-love.
19. Animal Collective, “Guys Eyes”
Essentially, Panda Bear is stroking it to keep himself from cheating on his wife. Um, that’s noble, I guess?
20. Janet Jackson, “If”
Miss Jackson, you so nasty. In the best way.
21. Devo, “Praying Hands”
A fun way to listen to this song is to picture Mark Mothersbaugh masturbating in Devo’s trademark red hat. Now there’s a mental image.
22. Alanis Morissette, “Hand in My Pocket”
I refuse to believe that having one hand in a pocket and being this thrilled about it can result from anything but using said hand for private, sexy purposes.