1. "I was known as the chief graverobber of my state."
2. "Being president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm. There's nothing to do but to stand there and take it."
3. "I'm the Veep I never wanted to be."
4. "This is an impressive crowd: The haves, and the have-mores. Some people call you the elite, I call you my base."
5. "I'm gonna shut down the shutdown."
6. "When the president does it, that means that it is not illegal."
7. "Glasses make me look weak. It's like a wheelchair for the eye."
8. “It had to do with Cuba and missiles, I’m pretty sure.”
9. "I didn't fire him because he was a dumb son of a b****, although he was, but that's not against the law for generals. If it was, half to three-quarters of them would be in jail."
10. "Oooh, do you have your own time zone here, too?"
11. "Who wrote this s***?"
12. "Why don't you put on your running shoes and get to the f****** point?"
