This week on Ellen, DeGeneres swiftly shut down rumors concerning her marriage to actress Portia De Rossi.
“There’s not one ounce of truth to any of it. I’m very happily married,” she said.
And by marriage, I mean the most perfect union of two souls that has ever occurred over the history of all time.
Portia and Ellen are love personified, a golden beacon of hope in an otherwise dark and cruel world.
Before these two break up…
1. Michael Cera will suddenly grow a non-creepy mustache.
These two ladies will go their separate ways only after…
2. French bulldogs suddenly fall out of favor, deemed more “ugly” than “ugly-cute.”
Their love will fade when…
3. People realize taking selfies in public is probably a bad idea.
Plz, make it stop.
This flawless couple breaking up is as likely to happen as…
5. Or people realizing there is a time and a place for twerking.
A world sans Portia and Ellen is like…
6. A world where pugs are forced to complete long hours of manual labor on a salary well below minimum wage.
Imagining them breaking up is like imagining a couple more perfect than Ellen and Portia even existing.
Which is impossible.
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