Dolphins Are Basically Just People With Fins

Legally, in some countries.

1. India recently became the fourth country to ban keeping dolphins in captivity.

The other countries are Chile, Costa Rica, and Hungary. Be free!

2. Due to dolphins’ high intelligence, the country is qualifying them as “non-human persons.”

So enslaving them and making them jump through hoops is pretty not OK in India.

3. Which is fair, because dolphins are pretty much just majestic, slippery people with blowholes.

OH GOD NOT LIKE THAT.

4. Let’s start with the part where these bottlenosed heroes HAVE LANGUAGE.

We’re talking dolphin grammar here, guys. Some dolphin languages have upwards of 60 discernible words as well as sentence structure.

5. They even have signature whistles for one another — so yeah, dolphins have names. Like Steve. But in whistle form.

HELLO MY NAME IS STEVE WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND MY NAME IS STEVE HELLO FRIEND”

6. These industrious sea geniuses can live in societies of up to 1,000 dolphins.

And you can barely handle a roommate.

7. And OH YEAH THEY USE TOOLS. THEY DON’T HAVE HANDS AND THEY USE TOOLS.

Dolphins use sea sponges (not hammers) in order to fish better. WITHOUT. HANDS.

8. Dolphin pickup artists? Totally a thing.

Male dolphins show off branches or rocks in their mouth, sometimes throwing them around to impress the ladies.

9. These slick mammalian bastards have sex for fun, not just procreation.

Seen above: dolphin foreplay.

10. And when it is time for baby-makin’, other dolphins help out with the birth.

Some dolphins will surround the mother to protect her, and a “midwife” dolphin might help pull out the baby.

11. These aquatic sophisticates also have a great sense of taste, so yes, they CAN tell if the herring’s a little ripe.

You call that “fresh” mackerel? I see.

12. Dolphins are patriotic as hell. The U.S. Navy trains dolphins to detect underwater mines.

Tinker tailor soldier dolphin.

13. There was a rumor that the Navy trained dolphins to kill enemy swimmers during Vietnam, but it was never proven.

DOLPHIN, WHY HAST THOU BETRAYED US?

14. Some dolphins even have HAIR.

OK, so just the Boto river dolphin, but whatever, it’s awesome.

15. It’s probably just a matter of time until they prove they’re actually way smarter than us and peace out from this planet.

16. Godspeed, you beautiful sea critters.

Check out more articles on BuzzFeed.com!

Facebook Conversations
          
    Now Buzzing