1. What you say: "She just needs a nap."
What you mean: "She's freaking out and I have absolutely no idea why."
2. What you say: "I'm good."
What you mean: "I'm so tired I'm actually surprised I can form a complete sentence."
3. What you say: "He's teething."
What you mean: "Sorry for the copious amounts of drool all over you."
4. What you say: "Sorry, I can't go out tonight. It’s been a long day for the family. Raincheck?"
What you mean: "I’m baby-free tonight and just want to sit on my couch and watch Netflix without being interrupted."
5. What you say: "Hey, buddy, let’s not do that, okay?"
What you mean: "Stop! STOP! For the love of God, we’re in public, please stop what you’re doing, kid!"
6. What you say: "No, no, no I'm totally listening!"
What you mean: "Wait, what?"
7. What you say: "Oh, it's not you."
What you mean: "It's definitely you and something you are doing that is making my child cry."
8. What you say: "I’m just gonna step into the restroom for a minute."
What you mean: "I don’t actually have to pee. I just need more than thirty seconds to myself and, yes, I’ve locked the door."
9. What you say: "He's just being shy."
What you mean: "I probably wouldn't want to talk to you either."
10. What you say: "Uh oh! I think somebody went stinkers..."
What you mean:"What kind of unholy stench is emanating from your child? Because it's definitely not from mine."
11. What you say: "Looks like someone's hungry!"
What you mean: "If something doesn't change in the next five seconds, he's going to have a meltdown."
12. What you say: "Can I call you back in a sec?"
What you mean: "My kid’s doing something possibly life-threatening that requires my immediate attention, and I will definitely not remember to call you back."
13. What you say: "Hey, bud, whatcha got there? Can I see it?"
What you mean: "Please don’t put something dangerous in your mouth. Please don’t put something dangerous in your mouth. Please don’t…aaand, great. You ate it."
14. What you say: "Oh no! She’s never done that before!"
What you mean: "She definitely did that to someone else last week, and I'm sure will do it again because my child is a tiny sociopath."
15. "He’s just going through a clingy phase."
What you mean: "My kid doesn't like you. Move on, please."
16. What you say: "Sorry, my house isn't normally this messy."
What you mean: "It's usually much, much worse and I frantically hid piles of laundry when I heard you were coming over."
17. What you say: "Yeah, that sounds like you had a really rough night."
What you mean: "Oh, you ‘only’ got six hours sleep? That’s cute."
