1. Oscar Wilde
Obviously the first person on your e-vite would be history’s original shade-throwing, snap-dispensing witty drunk BFF.
WHAT WE’D DRINK: The Dorian Grey Goose Martini, which never runs out (while in the attic, a painting of your bar tab magically gets bigger and bigger).
You think you party hard? This guy turned “IDGAF” into a Roman numeral. Talk all you want about “burning this mother down” and “drinking like there’s no tomorrow,” but Nero literally did those things.
WHAT WE’D DRINK: Well, this one seems appropriate. But literally anything on fire. And if it’s not on fire, he will light it on fire. Our understanding is that Nero kind of likes fire.
3. Mark Twain
Dude loves to travel, tells an awesome story, and is funny as hell.
WHAT WE’D DRINK: Crunkelberry Gin — Hendricks, lemon, and bitters. So many bitters.
He’s got mad game with the ladies and seems like he’d be real chill at a party.
WHAT WE’D DRINK: According to the internet there is a cocktail called the Grassy Knoll, but government experts steadfastly dismiss it as conspiracy and myth.
5. Phil Hartman
The greatest character actor of a generation — it would be like drinking with the 20 funniest people you’ve ever met.
WHAT WE’D DRINK: The Unfrozen Cave Man Margarita. Then, just as you start to realize how insanely good it is, it’s snatched away from you forever.
6. Dorothy Parker
There are two things Dot loved to her dying day: Trash-talking and booze. She’s the kind of drinking buddy for which the time machine pub crawl was invented.
Oh yeah, and she rapped* about drinking.
I like to have a martini
Two at the very most
At three I’m under the table
At four I’m under my host.
WHAT WE’D DRINK: Whatever it takes to get her drunk enough to start a Yo Mama Snaps fight with Winston Churchill.
(*Well, rhymed at any rate, but we’re confident that if given a fresh beat or two….)
7. Benjamin Franklin
It would be awesome to get the dirt on the other Founding Fathers. Oh, and if you like stories about kites, go ahead and buy Poor Richard a round or two. Bro loves to talk about his kites.
WHAT WE’D DRINK: $100 Shot™ aka The Money Shot.
8. Ernest Hemingway
When you think about drinking buddies who tell amazing stories 10 words leap to mind: “Ernest Hemingway” repeated five times. Seriously, why did you even build a time machine if you weren’t going to slam drinks with Papa?
WHAT WE’D DRINK: While there is a delicious and popular drink named after Ernest Hemingway (actually there are several), the Hemingway we know mostly pounds Grapa (which tastes like jet fuel — don’t) and mojitos (do). Oh, and he also starts brawls.
9. Wilma Rudolph
One of the most amazing athletes in history and owner of a hell of a backstory (born premature, paralyzed as a baby, 21 siblings, etc.). Oh, and she became famous and retired at age 22, so she’ll fit right in with the new media crowd.
WHAT WE’D DRINK: Goldschläger. Three Golds, in fact, all at one sitting. Never been done before.
10. Winston Churchill
Keep Calm and Drink On.
WHAT WE’D DRINK: What wouldn’t we drink?
11. Eleanor Roosevelt
A party is not a party without a loud, smart, opinionated lady who gives precisely zero craps what the haters think.
WHAT WE’D DRINK: The longest-serving first lady is gonna want an Old Fashioned — one of America’s longest-serving and influential cocktails, credited with starting the entire mixology movement.