1. Step 1: Change Your Name
Have you ever heard of anyone famous named David Peterson? No. You haven’t, cause that name is totally boring. First step on the path to fame is to come up with a really memorable moniker for yourself. In fact, when your new name gets stale, feel free to shake things up a bit with ANOTHER new name.
2. Step 2: Invest In Something
Here are some good options: An arena football team, (arena football is one of the fastest growing sports of all time… probably), a fried chicken joint (everyone loves fried chicken), or old grocery stores on the verge of going bankrupt in your hometown.
3. Step 3: Practice Good Personal Hygiene
Having all those cameras shining on your face all the time simply canNOT be good for your skin. If you don’t want to start looking like Tan Mom, you should do like Jennifer Aniston does, and drop $150,000 a year on your appearance. Yoga and facials aren’t cheap, y’all.
4. Step 4: Take Up New Hobbies
You don’t want the public to think you’re boring, do you? If you want to live like a celebrity, you have to develop a wide variety of fascinating interests—like Amanda Seyfried, who became very interested in taxidermy (saying, “it’s like art”) and bought a dead horse.
5. Step 5: Bling Yourself Out
If you want to be recognizable, you have to make everything ~sparkle~. Sure, everyone knows that Kanye West knows it (his bottom teeth are literally covered in diamonds), but even when you look back on celebrities of the past, they knew it too. After all, George Washington didn’t have wooden teeth, he had teeth that were made from gold and ivory. AND he’s on a dollar bill. That’s the ultimate bling.
6. Step 6: Take Care Of Your Family
After all, they’re your safety net—you’re going to be under a lot of pressure, being famous and all—so you need to make sure that they’re happy and content, too. Even if that requires buying a $5,200 pink Swarovski crystal covered tub for your one-and-only daughter.
7. Step 7: Protect Your Assets
Think your house is important? Nah. If you’re a celebrity, your most important asset is YOU. So you have to invest in it wisely—like insuring your chest hair for $7 million, or your butt for $27 million, or your legs (VERY important) for $1 billion. You just can’t let any of that stuff go to the wayside.
8. Step 8: Treat Those You Love Most
You simply have to reward whoever or WHATever is in your life that helps keep you in control—or what’s the point of living glamorously? Take Bono for example—he bought his favorite hat a $1700 first-class ticket in order to make sure it’d make the trip safely. What have YOU done to spoil your friends lately?
9. Step 9: Celebrate YOU
While you’re giving a lot of love and attention to the people around you who have helped you get where you are, you can’t forget about yourself! To be a celebrity, you have to also celebrate YOURSELF. Like dropping a casual half-a-million on your birthday party, like Sean Combs did back in 1998 for his 29th birthday (and that’s not even a milestone!).
10. Step 10: Start DJing
Clockwise, from left: Hulk Hogan, Sasha Grey, Jessica Szohr, Danny Masterson, and Elijah Wood DJing.
This is perhaps the most important way to live like a celebrity: believing that you are a DJ and you are GOOD at it. Everyone is doing it—literally. The number one qualification is that you don’t have any experience DJing at all. Then, all you have to do is show up at an event and just take over as the DJ. Just do it.
As you can see, being a celebrity ain’t easy. Fortunately, you can enter the Random Acts of Fusion Celebrity Life Contest and win a real red carpet experience without having to do virtually anything!