1. 1. If you make a silly face, it’ll get stuck like that
This lie was just a tease. After hearing that, who didn’t spend hours alone at the mirror trying to get a silly face to stick?
2. 2. If you go outside with wet hair, you’ll get sick
…Mom said as she ran out the door for work with a damp towel falling from her hair.
3. 3. TV is bad
TV is awesome.
4. 4. The babysitter will play with you
More Accurate: The babysitter will ignore you while talking on the phone to her friends, so try not to hurt yourself.
5. 5. Your Elementary school grades count
Eventually, you have to accept that no one cares about that A-minus you earned in 4th grade Science. It’s a sad, sad day.
6. 6. You’re a musical prodigy
Actually, your shredding skills depreciated the neighbor’s property value by 17 percent.
7. 7. That cute puppy across the street is sick, so we can’t go and pet it
Damn you, mom! That puppy was perfectly healthy and just wanted a young child’s tender love.
8. 8. Your goldfish/hamster/imaginary friend ran away
These lies didn’t make any logical sense then, but we gave parents the benefit of the doubt because of seniority. Never again.
9. 9. You have to wait an hour to swim after you eat or you’ll get cramps
There’s almost no evidence that swimming after you eat gives you cramps. This lie always seemed like a ploy to deprive children of 2 hours of key swimming time. First, there’s the hour-long lunch, and then, the hour-long penalty for eating said lunch. Devious.
10. 10. Maybe tomorrow…
Learning that “Maybe tomorrow” means “No” is most children’s first chance to demonstrate their context clues skills.
11. 11. If you swallow apple seeds, an apple tree will grow inside of you
A lie that turns eating apples into a terrifying — yet exhilarating — experience.
12. 12. We have to leave the store because it’s closing
Translation: We have to leave the store because you’ve requested $1,100 worth of merchandise in the last 15 minutes and almost destroyed a display of TVs with the shopping cart.