13 DIY Hacks For Your Upcoming Exorcism

Evicting demons from human souls doesn't have to be expensive. Follow these tips to perform your next exorcism on your own. Learn more from The Quiet Ones, now on Blu-ray™ and DVD.

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1. Set up a "blasphemy" swear jar.

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Blasphemy is a good indicator that your subject may be possessed. Try and get them to put a dollar in the swear jar whenever they take the Lord’s name in vain, then use that money to buy exorcism supplies!

2. Become a good public speaker.

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If you find speaking in front of crowds to be tough, try commanding hordes of evil spirits to evacuate a host! Record yourself talking (maybe even take an improv class) to overcome any fear of public speaking.

3. Sew your own surplice and stole.

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Did you know a good surplice can cost over 200 dollars? Who has time to make that kind of money when a demon is possessing your loved one?! If you can’t borrow the garments from a priest you know, try sewing your own to save a few bucks.

4. Clean your ears for optimal demon-hearing.

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The ungodly and heretical growls of a demon coming deep from within your spouse, child, or lifelong friend may be hard to understand. Use an earwax removal kit before your exorcism begins.

5. Get a safety baptism.

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Even if you’ve been baptized before, get baptized again before performing an exorcism. It helps invite the Holy Spirit into your body and makes you more slippery if a demonic child tries to grab you!

6. Check for stigmata beforehand.

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If you’ve got stigmata, great! That’s a holy sign that will help ward off the Dark Lord! Just wrap your hands in gauze so nothing slips when holding your rosaries or crosses.

7. "Borrow" Bibles from hotel rooms.

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If you’re running out of Bibles (presumably because Hell’s minions have incinerated them) grab a couple from the nightstands in the nearest motel to your house.

8. Get holy water in bulk.

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The travel costs of running back and forth for blessings from the nearest priest can really add up!

9. Use a water gun to administer holy water.

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Using a water gun allows you to keep a safe distance from the devil incarnate, and makes the exorcism more of a fun summer activity!

10. Don't use garlic.

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Garlic is for vampires, not demons.

11. Don't use stakes.

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Again, for vampires. Not demons. Also, staking your host's body might harm them.

12. If you need help, think local, not global.

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If the exorcism gets a little bit out of hand, no need to call in the big guns from the Vatican. Your local clergyman will be happy to help out just as soon as he's done playing in his cover band, The Judas Priests.

13. Make sure your subject needs an exorcism, not medical attention.

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If your subject is blaspheming and grabbing their stomach, it may not be because demon spawn is inside them. It could just be bad gas or indigestion. Consult a doctor.

For more insight into the dark and demonic, get your copy of The Quiet Ones, now on Blu-ray™ and DVD.

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