1. “I can cut your hair! I’m good at cutting hair.”
Now you’re sort of bald. But hey, it was free.
2. “They’re just jealous, honey.”
Nope. They’re just mean kids. And I have head gear.
3. “Television will melt your brain.”
FALSE. Television will fix your brain. Watch television.
4. “Let’s get you some ice cream!”
JUST KIDDING. IT’S TIME FOR YOUR BOOSTER SHOT.
5. “So I didn’t get you the trapper keeper you wanted. It doesn’t matter!”
Oh…but it does. If you didn’t have Lisa Frank in elementary school you were NOBODY.
6. “Your art is beautiful!”
This is a hamster. Seriously.
7. “The gateway to fish heaven is through the toilet.”
Bye, Goldie! Have fun in fish heaven! I’m glad you’re not dead! I thought maybe you were dead!
8. “I’ve got a job for you. It’ll only take a minute.”
Take all this wood and stack it in a new pile across the yard and then rake all the leaves and then move the wood again.
9. “Beauty is on the inside.”
Do you know what’s on the inside? Gross stuff. Organs. Blood. Poop.
10. “If you’re not good, Santa won’t come.”
Well this one is just layered with lies.
11. “We’re almost there.”
Two hours later, you’re still in the car. In kid time, two hours is like eight years.
12. “You’re so strong!!!”
You’re like superman! You’re going to be the strongest man in the world!
13. “You look so handsome!”
She said as she sent you off to picture day wearing an argyle sweater vest.
14. “You want to be an astronaut? You’re definitely going to be an astronaut.”
Absolutely. 100%. That is happening.