1. “Pilot Turns Back After Snake Pops Out of DashBoard”
Where’s Samuel L. Jackson when you need him?
2. “Woman in sumo wrestler suit assaults ex-girlfriend who waved at man dressed as a Snickers bar.”
Hell hath no fury like a Sumo scorned.
3. “Federal agents raid Gun Shop, Find weapons.”
What did they expect?
4. “Stole man;s munster hate and then ‘bit him like a bear.”
“He bit my nose and it really hurt!”
5. “Toothless woman robbed bank because she needed money to buy dentures.”
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
6. “Killer swan blamed for man’s drowning.”
Swans, the sharks of ponds.
7. “Woman attacks man with bowl of spaghetti.”
8. “Motorist dressed as Batman escapes ticket in Maryland.”
We’re never driving without a Batman costume on ever again.
9. Man ate stolen ice cream sandwich he kept in his pants
Is that an ice cream sandwich in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
10. “Man accused of stealing truck full of Krispy Kremes”
11. “Florida woman calls 911 after McDonald’s runs out of McNuggets.”
Another case of “When munchies attack”!
12. “Man sucked into sausage seasoning machine”
Tastes like chicken!
13. “Mom calls 9-11 over sons video game happen.”
Can’t stop won’t stop.