1. Black Friday is not about friendship.
2. It’s every shopper for themselves out there.
3. Keep your eye on the prize. Hi-def TV first, crap for your friends later.
4. You’re not here for 20% off you’re here for BUY ONE GET THREE FREE.
5. Listen to Haymitch. Do you know how many people die in this shit every year!?
Or at least, like, get seriously dehydrated and grumpy.
6. Don’t let the other shoppers see your fear.
7. They can smell it from miles away and they WILL trample you.
8. But a good death glare can cull the weak from the door busters.
9. You can’t vault over small children in skinny jeans, so dress for the utmost mobility.
10. Get your ass to the front of the lines no matter what it takes.
11. If you don’t acknowledge the blood on your braid, it’s like you never even punched that bitch for stealing something out of your cart.
12. RUN. THOSE PLAYSTATIONS WON’T BE ON THE SHELVES FOREVER.
13. If you don’t begin to hallucinate you’re not trying hard enough.
14. If presented with a convenient tracker jacker nest, use it on your fellow shoppers.
Don’t think they’d spare you.
15. Carboload. That leftover turkey is vital.
16. Get a good night’s rest on Thursday!
But sleep with one eye open.
17. Be aware of your surroundings. You never know when you may need to strangle a line-cutter with Christmas lights.
19. Bring a backpack to store important items like coupons, a water bottle, and throwing knives.*
*Coupons and water bottle optional.