Katniss Everdeen’s Guide To Black Friday Shopping

May the sales be ever in your favor.

1. Black Friday is not about friendship.

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2. It’s every shopper for themselves out there.

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3. Keep your eye on the prize. Hi-def TV first, crap for your friends later.

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4. You’re not here for 20% off you’re here for BUY ONE GET THREE FREE.

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5. Listen to Haymitch. Do you know how many people die in this shit every year!?

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Or at least, like, get seriously dehydrated and grumpy.

6. Don’t let the other shoppers see your fear.

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7. They can smell it from miles away and they WILL trample you.

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8. But a good death glare can cull the weak from the door busters.

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9. You can’t vault over small children in skinny jeans, so dress for the utmost mobility.

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10. Get your ass to the front of the lines no matter what it takes.

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11. If you don’t acknowledge the blood on your braid, it’s like you never even punched that bitch for stealing something out of your cart.


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13. If you don’t begin to hallucinate you’re not trying hard enough.

14. If presented with a convenient tracker jacker nest, use it on your fellow shoppers.

Don’t think they’d spare you.

15. Carboload. That leftover turkey is vital.

16. Get a good night’s rest on Thursday!

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But sleep with one eye open.

17. Be aware of your surroundings. You never know when you may need to strangle a line-cutter with Christmas lights.

18. Stay warm! It’s cold out there that early.

19. Bring a backpack to store important items like coupons, a water bottle, and throwing knives.*

*Coupons and water bottle optional.

20. Perfect combat rolling between aisles ahead of time.

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