1. To wake up on time, you have to set a minimum of five alarms.
2. The more time you spend browsing symptoms on the internet, the more diseases you probably have.
3. When someone doesn't reply to your text, it either means that a.) nobody likes you, or b.) you're the lone survivor of a plague that destroyed humanity.
4. It's easier to talk to people if you rehearse every conversation in your head beforehand.
5. If you use exclamation points, everyone will think you're high-strung. You don't want that, do you?????
6. When ordering off a menu, only choose items you are completely confident in your ability to pronounce.
7. Locks don't *really* work unless you triple-check them.
8. If you're only one hour early to the airport, you're definitely going to miss your flight.
9. Don't even bother wearing nice clothes — you'll just stain them.
10. It only rains on the days when you leave your windows open.
11. And every tweet is a subtweet. (Of course, they're all directed at you.)
12. Regardless of the terrain you parked on, the emergency brake HAS TO BE ON. OR ELSE.
Don't worry about dinner on Wednesday — Outback Steakhouse has you covered with three courses starting at $12.99.
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