Note: Episode 3 of Looking airs Saturday, Feb. 1, at 10:30 p.m. on HBO, but it is currently available on HBO Go. SPOILER ALERT if you have not seen it yet!
19. This bartender:
WHO: Dom’s co-worker, who tells him not to sleep with the new busboy.
WHAT’S ON HIS FACE: A full beard, y’all.
BONUS POINTS: This guy is losing a lot of hair in the front. Smart move to make up for it with some strong sideburns. Good job, good effort.
18. This stripper:
WHO: This really hot guy who dances at Patrick’s ex-boyfriend’s bachelor party.
WHAT’S ON HIS FACE: His mustache-to-beard extension game is very strong.
MINUS POINTS: For probably waxing his junk.
17. The oncologist Patrick met on OKCupid:
WHO: Probably one of the most annoying characters on the show so far. He makes Patrick feel really awkward on their horrible first date.
WHAT’S ON HIS FACE: A healthy dusting of scruff.
MINUS POINTS: For being such a horrible date.
WHO: The fiancé of Patrick’s ex-boyfriend Jason. Patrick describes him as “portly” and he’s not totally wrong.
WHAT’S ON HIS FACE: A whole damn fluffy situation.
BONUS POINTS: Gabe has two things that Patrick doesn’t: facial hair and a (soon-to-be) husband.
15. The hairy guy in the woods:
WHO: The guy Patrick meets while cruising in the park.
WHAT’S ON HIS FACE: Well, Patrick fairly described his level of hairiness later as “gym teacher hairy.”
BONUS POINTS: Those shiny silver specks peppered in for good measure.
WHO: Patrick’s best friend and a floundering artist who’s just moved in with his boyfriend.
WHAT’S ON HIS FACE: There’s a full-face situation happening here.
MINUS POINTS: Unfortunately, that overly furry soul patch he’s got makes him lose a few points. Boy needs to get to a barber and get the beast under control.
13. This blond dude:
WHO: Just a rando at Jason’s bachelor party.
WHAT’S ON HIS FACE: Some Spencer Pratt-esque blond fur.
BONUS POINTS: For having such a good time at a shared bachelor party.
12. This guy on the Muni:
WHO: Some guy, who also happens to be BuzzFeed’s Books Editor.
WHAT’S ON HIS FACE: A very nice beard.
MINUS POINTS: It’s nighttime and you had sunglasses on top of your head. What the hell are you doing?
11. This cool deck hand/bouncer:
WHO: This saluting stud greets Patrick and Owen when they arrive at their company’s boat party.
WHAT’S ON HIS FACE: Scruff, trimmed with military precision.
BONUS POINTS: The cool shades.
10. This random daddy partygoer:
WHO: He only appears for a split second in the third episode, but it’s the best second.
WHAT’S ON HIS FACE: Perfect salt-and-pepper stubble.
BONUS POINTS: Who are you and why aren’t you part of the main cast?
9. Patrick’s unnamed cub co-worker:
WHO: A guy at Patrick’s table at the boat party.
WHAT’S ON HIS FACE: A nicely trimmed beard that your dad would be proud of.
BONUS POINTS: For laughing along and being a good, cute extra.
WHO: He’s the lucky guy who gets to have a threesome with Agustín and Frank.
WHAT’S ON HIS FACE: A furry blanket of happiness.
MINUS POINTS: OK, he’s probably the hottest guy on the show, but he already has enough good things. Let’s share the wealth.
WHO: Agustín’s boyfriend, who’s an old person at heart and just wants to stay in all the time.
WHAT’S ON HIS FACE: Short stubble, like your neighbor’s perfectly trimmed lawn on a hot summer’s day.
BONUS POINTS: That insanely adorable smile!
6. This video game character:
WHO: A character Patrick designs in his company’s newest game.
WHAT’S ON HIS FACE: The facial hair of a man who’s been out to sea for too long.
MINUS POINTS: For not being real.
5. This sailor waiter:
WHO: A smiley gentleman working at Patrick’s company party.
WHAT’S ON HIS FACE: A satisfying amount of stubble.
MINUS POINTS: For not dropping his tray of drinks and sweeping Patrick off of his feet so that he can be part of the story and join the main cast.
4. This really cute sex worker:
WHO: A sex worker Agustín meets in a café in the show’s third episode. He has an expensive hourly rate.
WHAT’S ON HIS FACE: Zeus-like perfection.
BONUS POINTS: THOSE CRYSTAL-CLEAR BABY BLUES.
WHO: Patrick’s new coworker.
WHAT’S ON HIS FACE: A five o’clock shadow worth lusting over.
BONUS POINTS: His British accent, obviously.
I mean, are you kidding me with this cuteness?
WHO: Patrick’s latest love interest, whom he meets on the Muni.
WHAT’S ON HIS FACE: I DON’T EVEN KNOW.
BONUS POINTS: For being really forward with Patrick, while also being insanely kind and perfect.
It’s so patchy, while still being totally put together. I have no idea how he does it. He is a god amongst men.
WHO: Patrick and Agustín’s friend and a cruising waiter who’s just a little bit lost in life.
WHAT’S ON HIS FACE: The most perfect mustache that has ever sat atop an upper lip.
BONUS POINTS: For having a porn ‘stache you want to come home to.