1. Your once utterly dependent baby is now a full-blown kid.
Didn’t I just give birth to this person? Is it even legal to send my newborn baby to kindergarten?
It’s at this point that it first occurs to you that Calliou is no longer a part of your morning soundtrack, and that someone else is now responsible for entertaining your child and feeding their brain all day. Clouds part! Angels sing.
3. You can go grocery shopping alone.
It’s cool. You don’t have to feel guilty about your glee.
4. You now feel guilty about your glee.
Just kidding, you’re a parent, of course you have to feel guilty, it’s part of the licensing exam. HOW COULD YOU THROW YOUR CHILD TO THE WOLVES LIKE THAT YOU MONSTER?
5. Your kid officially prefers your wallet over your opinion.
They have their own ideas about style now, and kindergarten is their runway. If you didn’t think ahead and pre-order that Frozen pencil case, you’re gonna be sorry.
6. Shit is about to get expensive.
Get ready to write some “voluntary” checks for all kinds of things you never realized your tax dollars weren’t paying for, yo.
7. You have no idea what you are doing.
Did you choose the right school? Should have done more at-home prep this summer? Will their teacher be nice? Will the tuna sandwich you made them for lunch become the impetus for an unfortunate life-long nickname?
8. High school graduation is only twelve years away.
No. No no no no no.
9. You are the one who is NOT supposed to cry.
A key element of sending your kiddo off to school is actually bringing them there. If they take your kiddo from you in the carpool line, it’s totally normal if they’re screaming after you as you go, but try not to scream back.
10. You could keep them with you longer if you just homeschooled.
Maybe you could just keep them home with you forever. You don’t really need that second income that badly, right?
11. You’ve been had. By a 5-year-old.
Inevitably your soon-to-be-kindergartener will turn to you, big old baby eyes staring back at you and they’ll tell you they don’t want to go to school, they just want to stay with you. Stand strong, comrade. Manipulating your parents is a basic human instinct, and the force is strong.
12. Mean girls don’t stop being mean when they have kids.
Parent-Teacher Associations are serious. Miss a booster club meeting, you’re out of the in-crowd. You’ve been warned.
13. There is a Pinterest shame spiral for every situation.
After spending hours looking for the perfect homework caddy to DIY and glueing your fingers together in the process, you’re not even sure who you are anymore.
14. This is actually going to be a lot of work for you.
Turns out kindergarten comes with homework. Mostly for you.
15. You’ve totally got this.
Your kid comes home from their first day brimming with stories and excitement. You made this genius. You officially get to claim all their triumphs as your own. Congratulations Mom & Dad! (Resulting therapy bills are future you’s problem.)