First, I have a few questions for you:
2. Have you ever heard of a little music video called “Stronger”?
3. A certain comeback that blew everyone’s goddamn minds titled “Womanizer”?
4. And seriously just GO AWAY if you haven’t seen “Toxic.”
5. Well, DOO DOO DOO! (That’s a horn noise.) Then you know Joseph Kahn. He’s basically music video director royalty.
Britney Stans are like, “duh” right now.
6. Anyway, so there is so much drama right now. Joseph Kahn directed Britney’s new video for the sleeper hit “Perfume.”
8. The video has all the makings of a typical Joseph Kahn–Britney fusion video smash.
9. We have:
11. Missing Acrylic Nailney.
12. Crying in a Tanktopney.
13. Also the plot. So, Britney and this dude are having a good time.
14. She’s on a bed.
15. There are nipples.
The guy in the video is somewhere between Stephen Dorff in “Everytime” and that French model dude from “Don’t Let Me Be the Last to Know” (in terms of hotness).
16. Then there’s this chick Cindy. She’s the other girl. Britney finds this lame-ass text.
17. Cindy’s dating the douche that Britney is sleeping with.
18. Britney’s obviously, like, really mad at her.
19. Then we see that, holy shit, that douche does the SAME EXACT THINGS WITH BRITNEY AS HE DOES WITH (bitch) Cindy.
20. Then Britney’s in a car.
21. Which is totally a subtle homage to the iconic “Stronger.”
CAN YOU TAKE IT?!
22. There’s also a bonus homage to the bedroom hotel scene from the 2002 blockbuster, “Crossroads.”
23. It’s brilliant.
24. So yeah, she drives and then next thing we know she’s looking in the mirror again all mischievously.
25. But then the video just kind of ends with Britney crying.
It’s all so anticlimactic. WE KNOW SOMETHING ELSE HAD TO HAVE HAPPENED.
26. Now back to Joseph Kahn.
27. ALL week, Joseph was being totally cryptic. Apparently he made a cut that was his FAVORITE VIDEO OF ALL TIME, but he said Britney’s people rejected the edit.
28. See here:
34. Let me break that down for you: Legendary pop video maker Joseph Kahn, the creator of “TOXIC,” “WOMANIZER,” AND “STRONGER” music videos, said his “Perfume” edit IS THE BEST THING HE’S EVER DONE.
35. Last thing, we know there was originally some kind of gun-down scene. This was a paparazzi picture taken of the set.
Is there some type of double homicide?
Does she just kill that douche?
Were Britney and Cindy in on it all along?
36. Now I know you’re thinking, THIS IS ROYALLY FUCKED UP. I AM BOTH SAD & DEPRESSED & OUTRAGED AT THE SAME TIME. WHAT CAN I DO?!
37. ANSWER: Sign this petition.
Also say your prayers. The Holy Spearit works in mysterious ways.