Why I Want To Be Nicki Minaj’s Ass

Basically, how the “Anaconda” video changed my life.

1. Like many a gay, I woke up this morning very excited to see Nicki Minaj’s new music video, “Anaconda.”

2. And to be totally real with you, I was fairly slayed. For a song that is pretty whatever and mediocre, this video is rilly good.

3. BUTT, to be completely honest, the biggest feeling I felt while watching this video was extreme ass envy.

4. I want to be Nicki Minaj’s ass.

5. I want to be in the jungle on some sort of raft gyrating on the ground.

6. I want to flow out of jean jorts thumping on the ground in an actual flattering manner.

7. I want to be in a white room on a metallic chair with my cheeks to the sky.

8. I want to maintain flawless form with 2-pound weights.

9. And I’ve never told anyone this, but I secretly think it would be so fun to wear a pink G-string doing sexy half-naked yoga…


11. And if I were Nicki Minaj’s ass then I would be on Drake’s D.

12. Drake would be lit’rally holding his mouth while looking at me.

13. And I would leave Drake sitting there with a big ole b*!


14. Mostly, I want to be Nicki Minaj’s ass because it’s actually hypnotizing…

15. …and by hypnotizing, I mean dickmotizing.

16. If I were Nicki Minaj’s ass, I would literally own all the dicks.

17. I would be winning the game (well, not iTunes).

18. Slaying your faves (not on iTunes).

19. And, bold statement, attached to rap’s current most important MC!!!

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