28 Things I Will Tell My Children About Destiny’s Child

All kids need to know.

Dear child, take a seat. I have a story to tell you. It’s about a girl group of great importance and cultural value. There are lessons to be learned here!

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1. Our story begins in Houston, Texas. Long ago, the world was a lot different. A man with a silver head named Sisqo sang about thongs, trucker hats were actually non-ironically popular, and four girls from Texas wore weird banana-like costumes.

2. The girls were called Destiny’s Child. Now, I know that sounds weird. It should’ve been Destiny’s Children, but this was the late ’90s, child. It was different then.

3. The group consisted of a girl with a really awesome and iconic name, Kelendria. She went by Kelly. There were two basic temps named LeToya and LaTavia something or other. And lastly, the lead vocalist, Beyoncé.

4. Then there was Tina. Tina was mom. Tina made decisions. Tina was not to be messed with. Tina ran shit.

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5. The group would go on to make an iconic video called “Bugaboo.” It was about throwing pagers out of the window. That makes no sense to you. Actually, this song will make absolutely no sense to you. Forget about it.

6. So yeah, LeToya and LaTavia wouldn’t work out. It just wasn’t a fit? They sucked, I think?…

7. … but then Michelle and Farrah were introduced into the group. They were an easy, basic fit. At that time, all seemed well for Destiny’s Child.

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8. That’s until Farrah spoke. Beyoncé did not like when anyone spoke.

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9. So Beyoncé had her banished.

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10. “Be gone, Farrah,” Beyoncé and Tina said.

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11. Tina had bigger plans. Tina wanted so desperately to be a stylist.

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12. So Tina went insane.

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13. This was a dark period for Destiny’s Child. They looked truly ridiculous.

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14. Like, some messed up candy cane shit happened.

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15. Tina was out of control.

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17. And so the girls suffered more.

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18. Like really suffered. They had to wear mixed denim and random yellow crochet.

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19. Then things turned even more sour. Beyoncé and Kelly wouldn’t let Michelle touch the award.

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20. Beyoncé and Kelly wouldn’t let Michelle wear a skirt.

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21. Michelle even tried to temporarily replace Beyoncé with her sister Solange. That didn’t work.

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22. And then it happened. Michelle committed the ultimate sin. She stood in the middle. She took Beyoncé’s spot.

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23. So Beyoncé had her banished.

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24. So yeah, Destiny’s Child was dissolved. Michelle would be relegated to behind the price tag.

25. Kelly would have a hit with Nelly.

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26. Beyoncé would randomly star in Austin Powers 3.

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27. And Michelle would be the face of tampons.


28. Alas, the biggest lesson we can learn from Destiny’s Child is that you should never, ever have your mother be your stylist.

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The end.

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