1. Behold, the Metropolitan Opera House in New York City. It is 9/9/1999. A small-town girl with a massive hit, Britney Jean Spears, is about to change MTV/the world/your lives… forever.
2. She walks the the red carpet in some insane shiny mini-coat and snakeskin pants. Even she wonders what the fuck she’s wearing.
3. It is her time to perform. With a snap, she commands our attention.
4. It works. Her loneliness, which was killing her just before, is killing her no more.
5. She’s captivating. The guy behind her is literally touching himself it’s so good.
6. Mother Earth is literally orgasming.
7. And from that moment on, the VMAs were hers.
8. It’s 2000. She’s back. The owner, manager, and overall HBIC, Britney Spears. Her hair is crimped. It is pretty funny.
9. She walks by her adoring fans outside of Radio City Music Hall in New York City. All eyes on her (except for that jealous troll behind her in the doorway).
10. As the masses cheer, she lets out a giggle. “He he.” It is iconic.
11. She giggles again. It is still iconic. She has basically already stolen the show (again) and it hasn’t even begun!
12. There is a can of beer next to her…
13. …the can smiles. The queen of the VMAs is here!
14. “I love you, Little Budweiser!” she says. “I have to run, though. I’m about to beat the living shit out of this awards show!”
15. Then the most epic VMA medley of all time happened. It starts with “Satisfaction” and leads into “Oops.”
16. She calls out: “Ooooooh yaaayughh.”
17. The audience is immediately drawn into her magnetic presence.
18. It is spiritual.
19. She is now the high priestess of the VMAs.
20. She is basically speaking in tongues.
21. LOOK AT MY RHINESTONED THONG.
22. LOOK AT MY CRIMPED HAIR.
23. LOOK AT ME POUNDING THE GROUND.
24. The crowd is blown away. The spell worked. We are all under it.
25. Now it’s time for Britney to upstage Christina…
26. … again.
27. Sorry, Xtina! There is room for only one queen and high priestess of the VMAs. Bye!
28. It’s now 2001. Three years in a row of Britney ruling the VMAs. This year she comes bearing gifts. This gift is called “I’m a Slave 4 U.”
29. What a generous humanitarian.
30. And the queen has arrived. With a live tiger. So dangerous.
31. She unleashes.
32. “Get it. Get it.”
33. “Dance up on me.”
34. “I AM BACK TO RECLAIM MY AWARDS SHOW.”
35. “YOU LOVE MY PERFECT WEAVE,” she coos.
36. Then she brings out a SNAKE named BANANA.
37. IT IS ALL TOO MUCH.
39. The snake can’t even handle it. “Now look at my weave again,” she whispers.
40. The members of the audience are literally fawning over the royal queen.
41. They are screaming:
42. It’s basically some Illuminati shit.
43. “GIVE ME YOUR ILLUMINATI SHIT,” they say.
44. So she does. “Like that.” Another year. Another awards show stolen. What else even happened that year is irrelevant.
45. She does a post-show interview with Mick Jagger. It is iconic, duh.
46. 2002! What the fuck is she wearing! Who cares!
47. She is chewing gum. Everything is good in the world.
48. Chris Kirkpatrick is there. Lol.
49. She grants an interview to a rabbit. What a kind animal lover she is.
50. She walks the red carpet. Some lesser being tells her to move on. She gives him the side-eye. This is her show.
51. But whatevs! The queen of the VMAs has obligations. She struts off.
52. She gives an award to Michael Jackson because she is generous.
53. He is wearing knee pads.
54. They hold hands.
55. Michael Jackson asks to take a photo with her. And she leaves. What a great and memorable night!
56. It’s 2003.
57. It’s almost easy now. THIS. IS. BRITNEY’S. SHOW.
58. Britney opens the show. A vision in white, she descends from a giant wedding cake.
59. Madonna and C****** A******* come out.
60. She holds Madonna’s hat because she is a good host — this is her house, after all.
61. That face, you guys. That face.
62. Madonna looks nervous. Britney looks perfect. Christina is probably farting.
63. Britney pretends to be jealous. She sticks the mic in her boobs.
64. Madonna goes down on Britney. Britney enjoys it.
65. Madonna and Britney share a tender moment. Christina creepily watches on.
66. Lock it up. Night over. You might as well just end the show right here.
67. THE TENDERNESS IS OVERWHELMING.
68. Missy comes out. She obviously gravitates toward Britney. Christina tries to dance with Madonna.
69. Shit gets crazy. Britney always knows how to throw the best parties!
70. It ends. Time for some cheese grits.
72. 2007! The queen is back after a far-too-long hiatus. The most anticipated performer of the night!
73. She laughs. It’s Britney, bitch. Welcome home!
74. It’s basically brilliant.
75. Fuck all the haters.
76. Even with this messy and awkward lifting-of-the-leg dance move, she did it.
77. Yeah, OK, yikes.
78. Not so much.
79. OK so yeah, maybe it wasn’t *brilliant* but it was totally entertaining and helped MTV break records because Britney is a fucking legend and she owns the VMAs.
80. Bye now. Anyways…
81. 2008! The year of the comeback!
82. In one word, she looked: foiasdflkjas;lkdf90q4r0qwejgpfiqw-98ertq98werijpasdgjpoareiopuqwer (in a good way).
83. Then she won mad awards.
84. Showed off dat ass because damn that ass.
85. Me? Who me?
86. THAT FACE.
87. So humble!
88. So composed!
89. So humble and composed at the same time!
90. She can’t even hold all of the awards.
91. “YAAAAAAA,” she says.
92. What a great night! “I love my show!” She told reporters.
93. Three more LONG years pass of boring VMA shows. It’s 2011. Britney decided to show up to her show to accept her award!
94. Lady Gaga tried so hard. Poor girl.
95. “Thanks for the award! It really wouldn’t be a true VMAs without me!” she said. It was so gracious of her to give the VMAs a little of her time.
In conclusion, PLEASE GO TO THE VMAS THIS YEAR. The VMAs are not the VMAs without you!
- Super Typhoon Soudelor, the strongest storm of 2015 so far, is threatening parts of Asia after hitting the Pacific island of Saipan.