45 Essential Tips For Your Next Anti-Gay Marriage Rally

NOM (National Organization For Marriage) held their own rally against gay marriage at the Supreme Court yesterday. Here’s everything that I learned.

45. Spell-check!

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44. Make sure someone has an “Adam & Eve: Not Adam & Steve” sign.

It’s a MUST.

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43. Actually, make sure you have MANY “Adam & Steve” signs.

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42. Also, be sure to speak up against the gay curriculum!

Check out the bonus “Adam & Steve” sign in the background.

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41. Pin signs to your children.

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40. Try to get on the VIP list.

Because who doesn’t like being a VIP at tradish marriage rally.

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39. Avoid the lady with the big horn!

It’s loud!

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38. Wear your most coolest Jesus swag.

I suggest an FBI Jesus hat.

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37. Don’t forget any merch from the Creation Museum.

It’s the perfect place to wear it.

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36. Remember, it’s about your freedom!

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35. Prep your anti-abortion sign BEFORE the march begins. You’re just going to play catch-up!

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34. Make sure your sign isn’t upside-down.

You wouldn’t want to look like a dummy. C’mon now!

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33. Flip coins?

Not really sure what this means, but it sounds good!

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32. Wear a tablecloth.

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31. Get scientific.

But whatever you do, don’t mention the fact that studies show thousands of species in the animal kingdom display homosexual behavior.

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30. Include the Bible verse about the judges, presidents, and Congress citizens.

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29. Use a car charger to attach a sign to your body.

Get creative with it!

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28. Put your signs on before the march.

Otherwise you’ll look like a goon putting them on!

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27. Reinforce your sign with a stick or something. Don’t be this dude.

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26. Don’t have a sign? Bring a Bible!

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25. Wear your finest “Born Again” leather vest.

If you got it, flaunt it.

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24. Anticipate your competition. They will call you bigots. Make a sign that says you’re not. That should make everyone believe you’re not.

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23. Make sure your stick figures have necks.

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22. Double-issue-fist. Two issues at once. Go 4 it!

Abortion goes with everything.

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21. Make up your own mathematical equations.

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20. History = HIS story. Remember that.

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19. Make a chart.

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18. Use the word “ortfunk hooner-bean”! It’s effective.

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17. Watch for sign bombers.

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16. Pose with your fave sign.

Do something fun! Have the guy holding the sign do a cute move too.

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15. Get the sign with the kid with the crazy hair.

Live a little!

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14. Put on your best game face.

Try to look tough. See above.

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13. Never fight with a dancing drag queen.

It’s pointless. You will lose. Every. Single. Time.

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12. It’s also just a guy in drag! Don’t be scared!

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11. Subtly call Obama a coward.

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10. Use hi-res images. That low-res shit hurts my eyes!

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9. Don’t throw God in the trash! He likes to be recycled.

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8. Think about all of the dictionaries that are going to have to change.

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6. Choose your stock images wisely.

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5. Make sure you have AT LEAST one dude dressed as a founding father.

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4. Get your iPad out of the way!

God is so mad at you!

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3. Blame the liberal media — call it the “axis of evil.”

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2. The name Gomorrah is a scary name. Use it.

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1. Lastly, don’t be the lady who starts waving her scarf and ringing bells when the rally ends and Switchfoot comes on.

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Deputy Editorial Director, Devout Member of the Church of Godney
Contact Matt Stopera at
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