1. The Social Media Crusader
Used to be that social media sites were all about sharing photos and music, or posting concise witticisms, or nostalgia stalking ancient classmates at 3AM on a Sunday because time makes fools of us all. But thank goodness for the folks that guilt trip our Facebook feeds with “awareness” bulletins about everything from debilitating diseases to third-world travesties. They’re truly the modern-day evolution of the “FORWARD TO 20 PEOPLE OR…” chain mailers that used to spam our AOL inboxes.
2. The Lovey-Dovey Couple
The worst thing about these friends: the constant saccharine-sweet status updates about how totally, unequivocally, OMG-worthy, for-real-this-time-you-guys in love they are. The best part: the bittersweet (and ultimately inevitable) break-up posts…before they get back together a week later. Ahh, young love!
3. The Person Who Checks In Everywhere
This person has been everywhere, and they’re not afraid to share it on Facebook. You see all of their check-ins ranging from “the bathroom” to “the Bahamas,” their photo albums of cool places, and their not-so-humble statuses. You are forever annoyed by their check-ins but jealous of their adventures. But hey, they might give you advice on where to travel later. Keep that info in mind!
4. The Guy That’s In A Band
Hey, bro. I know you’re busy, and we haven’t really seen each other since high school, and we never really talked that much, but would you wanna come to my show? Maybe snag one of my band’s t-shirts? And buy my EP? And reblog my amateur music video? And vote for us in this ‘Battle of the Bands’ competition? And retweet my drummer’s baby pictures? And then maybe—bro? Where you goin’?
5. The Food Enthusiast
Every time you look at your Facebook feed, you see that your foodie friend has updated yet another album of delicious looking food. Way to make everyone feel hungry (and jealous)! But you definitely know who to go to when asking for the best places to eat. Or just look at their Facebook albums and decide from there!
6. The New Parent
We get it: new life is precious, children are the future, etcetera etcetera, but can we please just skim over your plethora of baby photos and hourly status updates? We acknowledge that your baby did that thing that you’re telling everyone about, but we can assure you that it’s just not that interesting.
7. The Oversharer
Bathroom updates and cringe-worthy health quirks are this guy’s bread and butter. But hey, everyone needs a wild card in their social media stable…why not make it the guy that had chocolate syrup and taco shells for dinner, and live-blogged the whole thing?
8. The Newscaster
This friend is up to date on everything in current events. If there is some breaking news, this friend will be the first to post a link about it on their wall. You don’t even need to watch the news, because you know you can get your information from this friend. How do they keep on top of it? Who knows, but you appreciate the 411.
9. The Lyricist
Some of the most groan inducing staples of our Facebook feeds, these friends insist on speaking solely through song lyrics, regardless of the situation. The best way to deal with this crowd is replying in kind, but in a completely unrelated context. Angry-at-life pal quoting Linkin Park? Fight fire with fire: kick a few Keith Sweat lines back and watch the confusion set in.
10. The Gamer
Yup, it’s those friends that fill your Facebook inbox with endless invites, offers, and challenges for pretty much all of the social games, ever. Fun fact: 9-out of-10 of these friends would never be caught dead on a real-life farm.
11. The Crush
You mainly friended this person because you have a massive crush on them. You lurk on their profile looking at their photos and wishing you could be in those photos too. Maybe one day you will have the courage to “like” one of their statuses and maybe even (gasp) write on their wall.
12. The Troll
This devious jester willfully antagonizes just about everyone on their friend’s list, egging folks on for their amusement alone. What makes the troll tick? It’s hard to say, but leading scientists attribute their mischievous, malevolent behavior to one thing: the “lulz.”
13. The Parents
They don’t really get how any of this works, but that doesn’t stop them from wanting to be a very big — and very vocal — part of your social network circle. If they’re not tagging you in an endless array of baby pictures, they’d like to share exactly what they think of all those drinking photos you put up the other night…
14. The Pet
So why does an animal have a Facebook page? It can’t talk!? Because it’s cute! What other reason do you need? Everybody needs a couple cute animals popping up on their feed once and awhile.