1. The loud phone talker.
Just because there’s reception on above-ground trains does not mean you are allowed to talk loudly on your cell phone. Unless this is a life-or-death kind of call, keep it quiet, buddy.
2. The yelling-for-no-reason person.
I’m sorry, who are you? Why are you yelling? This is an INDOOR space, thank you. Whether you’re talking to your friend who’s a foot away from you, or you’re talking to yourself, there’s no reason to scream. We’re all in this together, and we’d prefer to keep our hearing intact.
3. The person who holds the door open, delaying the train.
Oh, don’t you dare give me that apologetic look. You are single-handedly holding up a train that is carrying hundreds, nay, THOUSANDS of people, and you have the audacity to look SAD about it? Step out of that doorway and let us get on our goddamn way. I want to go home.
4. The train platform sprinter.
Look, I get it. You want to get from train A to train B, and you’re in a rush. But guess what? I’m still a physically present being that doesn’t deserve to be trampled just because you’re in panic mode. Don’t run me over, dude. Just don’t.
5. The messy eater.
Does this look like your kitchen? Even if it did, is this kind of messy food-slinging behavior at all acceptable in said kitchen? No. It is not. You’re an adult in public and it’s time for you to act like it. None of us got on this train in hopes of stepping on your half-eaten sandwich, so how about you respect that.
6. The stinky eater.
A close relative of the messy eater, you insist on bringing cooked, terrible-smelling foods onto the subway for everyone else to suffer through. From Chinese food to tuna sandwiches, your choice of cuisine is torture for the rest of us.
7. The creepy starer with sunglasses on.
*Shudder* Here’s the thing about sunglasses: they’re not invisibility cloaks. Just because there’s some dark glass in front of your eyes does not mean we can’t see that you’re staring creepily at some girl. Just give it a rest, bro, and let all of us get home in peace. It’s called respect.
8. The creepy starer without sunglasses on.
Just in case you feel like it’s better to go about creepily staring without sunglasses, let this be a reminder: it’s not. Regardless of eyewear, staring at people is not okay.
9. The messy person with no sense of personal space.
This is important: I do not want your hair on me, your sweat on me, your smell on me, or any other aspect of your physical being. Do we have that clear? Now please take a step away from me so that I might travel on this train with at least an illusion of cleanliness.
10. The PDA couple.
Look around, young lovebirds. Do you see your bed? Your other worldly belongings? No? That’s right, and it’s because this is NOT YOUR BEDROOM. So stop being all creepy and intense in your make-out session and have a little respect for the rest of us that just want to get home without dry heaving.
11. The performer.
You’re making me uncomfortable. This is an enclosed space, I don’t know you, and you keep trying to put on a show for me, all for the sake of guilting me into giving you money. It’s not okay.
12. The “It’s Showtime” guys.
Taking subway performance to a whole other level, you put the fear of God into all those with a cranium within kicking distance of your happy selves. You do your flips and death-defying tricks on the train, and it’s scary and not fun. NOT FUN. Sure, some of you are children, but that doesn’t make the threat of injury any less real. What time is it? TIME TO NOT TERRIFY ME.
13. The person who splays out all of their limbs, taking up way too much space.
Look, I get it. You’re a big deal. Your legs have to be wider than everyone else, and your arms have to be far out to your sides to announce that you are fully here. Here’s what I don’t get, though: what makes you so much of a bigger deal than the rest of us who would love to spread out like we’re on a couch, but don’t? Oh, that’s right. We understand that this ISN’T our couch, and we have to share the bench with everyone else. So I guess that just means you’re an asshole.
14. The person who takes a shit on the train platform.
Hey, I don’t know how it happens… maybe someone is rushing to catch a train and just like that, they’re moved to, well, have a movement upon the platform, leaving a smelly mess for the rest of us to endure until it finally gets cleaned by some poor MTA worker days later. Whatever the context, it should be known that human feces is not okay, was not okay, nor will ever be okay on the platform.
15. The pole hogger.
If you’re leaning on the pole, other people can’t use the pole. Simple math, buddy. Learn from this selfish cone-clad dog, and stop hogging what everyone else wants to share. No one likes a selfish jerk.
16. The farter.
Everything’s going fine and then BOOM, the smell hits us all like a brick, sulfuric wall. Why you gotta fart on a crowded train, bro? WHY?! All of us have noses, and we’d prefer they remain un-assaulted. Keep that gas in ‘til you’re off the train, please.
17. The leaning sleeper.
You want to take a nap on the train? Fine by me! I don’t care if you sleep through your stop or not. What I DO care about is whether or not you’re going to be sleeping ON ME. Because my shoulder is not your pillow. Sorry, it’s just not.
18. The incomprehensible conductor over the shitty loudspeaker.
When the loudspeakers come on, there’s a good chance that not a single word will be understandable. Is the train going local? Is it going express? Is it running on a different track? Is there a madman loose on the train that’s coming toward this car? Sure, we stare up at the ceiling, look around at our neighbors, but nothing will help us figure out what’s actually going on. Best sit back and relax, and hope that this will end up working out for the best. Every day on the subway is an adventure!