Oh hey there, citizen of planet Earth. What are you up to? Thinking about something other than armadillos? Time to fix that immediately.
Because armadillos? Yeah, they’re the fucking shit.
1. OK so first we need to talk about how cute this baby is. See that thing? Adorable.
Okay it may or may not be eating sludge but whatever, just focus on the cute.
2. And next, let’s talk about how nine-banded armadillos have IDENTICAL QUADRUPLETS every time they reproduce.
She either has four identical girls, or four identical boys. NUTS.
3. Oh, and armadillos can delay their pregnancy. That’s right… they can mate and then decide that they’re too stressed out to get pregnant, and voila, not pregnant yet! They can put the whole thing on hold for up to two years.
And then, when they feel like it, they get to give birth to THIS RAVISHING DELIGHT. Are you jealous? You should be.
4. Armadillos don’t have a lot of body fat, so they’re pretty much the runway models of nature.
And, uh, they have a very low metabolism, so if they’re caught in cold weather they die. How about that?
5. And their low body temperature paired with a weak immune system makes them perfect candidates for medical research. A portion of the population even has leprosy and is generous enough to share it with humans!
6. Also, they’re super talented. The screaming hairy armadillo has a song only the gods could imitate.
And that BELLY HAIR. What could be better? Don’t you just want to brush that fuzz til it shines?
7. American Idol contestants got nothing on these lil’ screamers.
Not in looks or talent.
8. And who wouldn’t want to cuddle up with one of these guys?
9. Oh, also, when armadillos aren’t being the ideal cuddle partners, they’re super impressive athletes. Just look at this guy swim!
Armadillos can hold their breath up to SIX MINUTES. That’s long enough to go underwater and escape two terrible songs…or to travel where you need to go. Move over, Michael Phelps. There’s a new swimmer in town.
10. They’re also really good at climbing, and have been known to scale fences.
Moral of the story: Never try to block out armadillos from your life. They’ll find a way in, and you’ll be forced to love them anyway.
11. AND they can run! See? This guy is so overcome by the majesty of the armadillo he’s desperately trying to catch it.
What’s that you say? He’s wearing an Animal Control uniform? NONSENSE. He’s in love!
12. And this cute little guy wants you to know that “armadillo” in Spanish means “little armored one.”
The armadillo is actually covered in many small bones that comprise their “armor.”
13. In fact, the three-banded armadillos have the ability to roll up into a ball.
They’re like Pokémon only BETTER. SO MUCH BETTER.
14. The nine-banded armadillo has the very distinct (and entirely appropriate) honor of being the state small mammal of Texas!
The nine-banded is the only type of armadillo that has a growing population; all other species (there are 20 total!) are nearing extinction due to human-related environmental factors.
15. And when they’re not busy being symbols of greatness, they’re LEAPING MAJESTICALLY THROUGH THE AIR.
Gravity = no longer relevant.
16. Also, the nine-banded armadillo is SO awesome (and reliant on warm weather) that the population is SPREADING NORTHWARD.
Y’know, due to global warming. And also due to the fact that their awesomeness needs to reach all corners of the world. COME TO ME, ARMADILLOS!
17. And this little guy is trundling through the grass to show off how CUTE HIS LIL EARS ARE. Just look at them!
Is your mind blown yet? Yes? Figured. It’s only logical.
Now that you know, it’s time. Time for you to go forth into this world and spread the word about armadillos. Teach the world about their cuteness, their talents, their melodic singing!
Because honestly, what else would you be doing with your life? There’s nothing better than this.