Okay, so chances are, your beaver knowledge is pretty limited.
But that's okay! That's why you're here, to learn more about the magical* animal known as the beaver.
First of all, did you know that baby beavers (kits, they're called officially) can fit their teeth into their mouth, and they always look like they're smiling?
Baby beavers are generally born in the month of January.
Beavers build homes called lodges. Ideally they're built in the middle of bodies of water, and are only accessible via underwater entrances.
So their homes look kinda blah from the outside. It's true.
But inside there's an ARCHITECTURAL MARVEL.
I know what you're thinking: what about wintertime? BISH PLEASE. They have it handled.
See? You could be cruisin on your cross-country skis like a goddamn fool and not even realize there's a RAINBOW WORLD UNDERNEATH YOU.
So at this point you probably want your own beaver lodge in your backyard, right?
Well here's the thing: beavers, while magnificent and wonderful, are not perfect. They have flaws.
For every incredible dam they build to perfection, there's a waterway that's being effed up by it.
Also, the sticks that make up their lodges are gathered by the beavers chewing down trees.
In order to spend their lives chewing on trees they have these CRAZY TEETH. And they don't stop growing.
Beavers can chew through a 6-inch tree in 15 minutes.
So, while we're on the topic of beaver teeth, let's discuss beaver attacks. This is Normand Brousseau, a 51-year-old boy scout leader that was attacked last summer.
Now, this beaver was rabid, so that explains the attack. See, beavers aren't known to get violent, and this was seen as an anomaly.
But here's the thing: beaver attacks have become increasingly common in Belarus, where a 60-year-old man was even killed by one a couple months ago.
Uh, so. The mood got a little dark, but that doesn't mean we can't get back to fun beaver facts, right? RIGHT!
So, beavers have TWO SETS OF EYELIDS. One set is transparent and they act like goggles when the beavers are under the water.
Also, they can hold their breath up to 15 minutes, and their fur is oily and waterproof!
And let's just take a moment to notice how ecstatic this man is to be holding this baby kit. Is that not pure joy?
So now that you've learned so much about beavers and have been so very mature, it's time to let loose with a few beaver jokes.
First of all:
Next: MAN, THAT IS ONE HAIRY BEAVER.
Oh, and: WOW WHAT A WET BEAVER.
And finally: THAT BEAVER SURE LOVES WOOD.
And if you did laugh at those, just know that you're not alone... Even law-enforcement officials can't resist a good Beaver joke.
