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Which Two Members Of One Direction Are Most Likely In A Gay Relationship?

Each matchup is highly, highly likely, but here’s a definitive calculation of which love is strongest, truest and deepest.

Yes, they *say* they’re just bandmates…


Best friends, even. But “Directioners” — as their emphatic fans so name themselves — aren’t so easily convinced. The evidence of inter-1D love and lust, well-documented by fans hungry for the big gay truth, is hard to refute. Sure, it might just be surging pubescent hormones. Or innocent displays of European man-on-man affection. Or, I don’t know, some kind of elaborate, cruel, taunting joke.

BUT I BELIEVE THIS LOVE IS REAL.

Here, a definitive ranking of which 1D-on-1D romance is likeliest, based on such scientific measures as they held hands one time and also touched each other’s butts.

This is science, and therefore irrefutably true. To begin…

The Case:


Niall is the adorably shy one, and perhaps the least appreciated of the five, while Harry’s been crowned the band’s de facto front man. Popular boy courts sheepish, enchanting blond? Classic love story.

The Evidence:

The Case:


Louis is the unabashed clown of the group, and he brings out the quirky in Niall, who’s otherwise charmingly timid. Chances are, he brings out more than just Niall’s personality. But I’ll let you imagine.

The Evidence:

The Case:


This relationship seems mostly physical, evidenced by near-constant petting, hugging, and penis touching. Probably more lust than love, but no less real.

The Evidence:

The Case:


Liam is the mouse of the group — bashful and withdrawn — and Louis tries hard to penetrate his shy exterior. But the effort is ultimately too one-sided to prevail. This love, unfortunately, unfolds more as an aggressive unrequited crush than a robust romance.

The Evidence:

The Case:


Zayn seems eager to make this romance a reality, and Liam seems willing to oblige. DEFINITELY IN LOVE.

(UPDATED: An earlier version of this post downplayed the extent of Ziam’s affair. It is admittedly more substantial than previously reported.)

The Evidence:

The Case:


Ah, Zouis. The most outgoing couple, by far. Most likely to go backpacking across Europe together and, after an adorably adventurous honeymoon, rear an entire family with dogs and cats and cute little Zouis babies.

The Evidence:

The Case:


The most picturesque pair, Zayn with his exotic eyes and strong jaw, Harry with his wild hair and all-around charisma. But more often than not, Harry seems to resist Zayn’s advances. So this love may be beautiful to imagine, but chances they’ll grow old together are slim.

The Evidence:

The Case:


The two shiest of the group, their love is most emotional. In public, they are doting, tender, and affectionate — more love than lust. Most likely to fall asleep in one another’s arms.

The Evidence:

The Case:


One of the most physical romances, Ziall’s sexual frustration is most easily identified: Zayn puts out the charm, and Niall seems all too willing to accept.

The Evidence:

The Case:


THE TRUEST LOVE OF ALL. They are best friends, they stare longingly into each other’s eyes, pet one another’s hair, and evidence of the physicality of their relationship is plenty. DON’T TELL ME THIS ISN’T HAPPENING IN REAL LIFE.

The Evidence:

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