Here Is Everything We Learned From The New Harry Potter Short Story

Members of Dumbledore’s Army went to the Quidditch World Cup. Lucky for us, Rita Skeeter was there to get the gossip.

We’ve learned a lot about the wizarding world since the Harry Potter series ended. But for the first time J.K. Rowling has written an update on the big three: Harry, Hermione, and Ron. In a gossip column written by Rita Skeeter, members of Dumbledore’s Army were seen in the Patagonian Desert at the Quidditch World Cup Final. While much of the article consists of rumors, and we know Rita is “enchantingly nasty,” here’s what we now know:

1. Harry is starting to go gray.

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“About to turn 34, there are a couple of threads of silver in the famous Auror’s black hair…”

2. But don’t worry — he’s still wearing his glasses.

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“But he continues to wear the distinctive round glasses that some might say are better suited to a style-deficient twelve-year-old.”

3. He has a new scar over his right cheekbone.

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“The famous lightning scar has company: Potter is sporting a nasty cut over his right cheekbone. Requests for information as to its provenance merely produced the usual response from the Ministry of Magic: ‘We do not comment on the top secret work of the Auror department, as we have told you no less than 514 times, Ms. Skeeter.’”

4. Harry and Krum are still friendly.

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“As their devoted fans and followers will remember, Potter and Krum competed against each other in the controversial Triwizard Tournament, but apparently there are no hard feelings, as they embraced upon meeting (what really happened in that maze? Speculation is unlikely to be quelled by the warmth of their greeting). After half an hour’s chat, Potter and his sons returned to the campsite where they socialised with the rest of Dumbledore’s Army until the small hours.”

5. Ron’s hair might be thinning slightly.

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“In the immediate aftermath of the battle Weasley, whose famous ginger hair appears to be thinning slightly…”

6. Hermione is the deputy head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement.

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“After a meteoric rise to Deputy Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, she is now tipped to go even higher within the Ministry, and is also mother to son, Hugo, and daughter, Rose. Does Hermione Granger prove that a witch really can have it all? (No – look at her hair.)”

7. Hannah Abbott, Neville’s wife, may be applying to be matron at Hogwarts.

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“Neville Longbottom, now a popular Herbology teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, is here in Patagonia with his wife Hannah. Until recently the pair lived above the Leaky Cauldron in London, but rumour has it that Hannah has not only retrained as a Healer, but is applying for the job of Matron at Hogwarts.”

8. And according to the gossip, Neville and Hannah maybe have a drinking problem?

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“Idle gossip suggests that she and her husband both enjoy a little more Ogden’s Old Firewhisky than most of us would expect from custodians of our children, but no doubt we all wish her the best of luck with her application.”

9. Teddy Lupin is a bit of a bad boy at Hogwarts.

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“No doubt Potter will be distressed to know that his sixteen-year-old godson Teddy Lupin – a lanky half-werewolf with bright blue hair – has been behaving in a way unbefitting of wizarding royalty since arriving on the VIP campsite. It might be asking too much that the always-busy Potter keep a tighter rein on this wild boy, who was entrusted to his care by his dying parents, but one shudders to think what will become of Master Lupin without urgent intervention.”

10. Bill’s daughter Victoire might have a bit of a crush on Teddy.

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“Meanwhile, Mr and Mrs Bill Weasley might like to know that their beautiful, blonde daughter Victoire seems to be attracted to any dark corner where Master Lupin happens to be lurking. The good news is both of them seem to have invented a method of breathing through their ears. I can think of no other reason how they have survived such prolonged periods of what, in my young day, was called ‘snogging.’”

11. Charlie Weasley is still unmarried.

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“Charlie (dragon wrangler, still unmarried – why?)”

12. Luna is as adorably weird as ever.

“Last of the ringleaders of Dumbledore’s Army is, of course, Luna Lovegood (now married to Rolf Scamander, swarthy grandson of celebrated Magizoologist Newt). Still delightfully eccentric, Luna has been sweeping around the VIP section in robes composed of the flags of all sixteen qualifying countries.”

But what about Malfoy?

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