1. Crime of pooping your pants in public:
Defecation in your pants isn’t cool!!!
2. Crime against hats:
Secondary crime: wearing a dangerous weapon.
3. Crime against hats second offense:
And another secondary crime by wearing sunglasses inside.
4. Crime against pants:
The jester must be punished.
5. Crime of making us scared cause he looks scary:
Not cool to joke about a nuclear fallout.
6. Crime of OPENING AN UMBRELLA INSIDE.
THAT’S JUST BAD LUCK BRO.
7. Crime against tighty-whities:
Tighty-whities are for INSIDE your pants.
8. Crime against leather pants with no fly:
This just seems silly.
9. Crime against the color red:
Red is offended.
10. Crime against using a Segway:
Segways are ILLEGAL. I think. Pretty sure they are illegal in 48 states and five other entire continents.
11. Crime against rocks:
Come on, you don’t just mess with nature like that.
12. Crime against mustaches:
Sir, arrest this man!