1. Constantly Hearing About How Great PS 107 Is
2. Getting Rezoned Out Of PS 107
You spent an entire year searching for that elusive one-bedroom just so you could be in District 15, and now your kids will be attending PS 10.
3. The “Un-schooling” Movement
We all know how those kids are going to turn out.
4. Germs, Germs, Everywhere
When was the last time they washed those toys at the YMCA child-watch? And how many times can a child contract Coxsackie, anyway?
5. The Lines at the Food Coop
Hopefully you’ll get to bring those apples home by 2 A.M.
6. Your Shift at the Food Coop
You wanted to do food processing, but you got childcare instead. At least you can hang out with your own little one while you work your shift!
Time elapsed: one month, and you are feverishly praying for a food processing shift down in the merciful quiet of the basement.
7. Your Suspension From the Food Coop
Excuse you for going on vacation, having a baby, or getting divorced!
8. The End of Grown-Up Things…Like Coffee
The whole “babyccino” thing has single-handedly ruined coffee.
Nothing kills a good beer buzz like tripping over a Bugaboo on your way back from the restroom.
9. The Sandbox At Harmony Playground
“We’re not going to play in the sandbox today, honey” is code for “We’re not going to play in the sandbox ever.” Seriously, WTF is in there?
10. Parents Who Sleep-Train
It’s unnatural, it’s cruel, it’s damn near barbaric… the way they brag about how well their children sleep after they’ve been sleep-trained.
Meanwhile, your child still sleeps in your bed, seriously impeding your efforts to conceive child #2.
11. The Cost of Those Must-Have Art and Music Classes
But Music Together is well worth it if you can get into a class with a hot teacher who seems to sing the “Hello” song directly into your eyes.
12. Moms Who Say Their Kids Don’t Watch TV
So they make dinner, straighten up, catch up on emails… all without Super Why? Uh-huh. Sure. Let’s just say someone’s got an iPad stashed somewhere.
13. Moms Who Teach Their Baby To Sign
Do they really need their infant to sign when she’s hungry?
14. The PSP Yahoo! Groups
When you first joined, it was just a bunch of moms ratting on evil nannies or complaining about the service at Applewood.
Now there’s a website, the Main List, a Classifieds group, a Career Networking group, it’s “gently moderated”… And if one more of your posts gets rejected, you’re going to bludgeon yourself to death with your (barely used) breast pump, $25 OBO, pickup North Slope.
And what are you supposed to do now when you see one of those nannies at the playground?
15. “Natural Exploration Areas”
You don’t care if the equipment is made out if the wood Jesus Christ was nailed to. It’s still a playground.
16. Other Park Slope Parents’ Apartments
Why, oh why, do they feel compelled to apologize for how “messy” their place is whenever you go over for a playdate?
Meanwhile, Hoarders has reached out to you to see if you’d be interested in welcoming a camera crew to the next playdate at your place.
17. Political Correctness on a Previously Unforeseen Level
Do you think this is a boys’ hat? Are you sure? Why, because it’s blue?
It must be sad for you and your family, living a life based on labels and stereotypes.
Park Slope scoffs at you.
18. Pretentiousness On a Previously Unforeseen Level
Transitional object? It’s a freakin’ blankie for the love of all that is merciful and holy!
19. A Tendency To Buzzkill Everything…Like Ice Cream.
Park Slope is anti-ice cream. Anti-ice cream. What’s next, anti-sunshine? Anti-goodness?
Parents have been advised that superhero costumes are out; real heroes like firefighters are in. So the baby in the Spiderman costume? So not welcome at the Halloween Parade this year.