1. When Madame LaLaurie used blood as a face mask.
Not just blood, actually — but more on that horrifying detail in a bit.
2. And when we saw her attic full of mutilated slaves.
File under: Things we wish we could unsee. For those who want to feel extra unsettled, you can read up on the real Madame LaLaurie. Yep, she was a real person, though the details of her heinous crimes may have been embellished.
3. When she made her own minotaur.
Not a real minotaur, mind you — just a torture victim forced to wear a decapitated bull’s head. Which can’t smell great.
4. When Zoe accidentally killed a guy by having sex with him.
Yes, it looks like Zoe’s power is that she can fuck people to death. They die horribly, seizing uncontrollably while they bleed from every orifice. But the real victim here is Zoe, who can never have sex.
5. When Zoe showed up at Miss Robichaux’s Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies and immediately got attacked.
It looked like the masked assailants were going to sacrifice her, but surprise, those were just Zoe’s new classmates being hilarious! Cool prank, kids.
6. When a witch named Misty was burned at the stake.
And not, like, several centuries ago. This year!
7. When Fiona did a bunch of coke. And cried. And danced.
Every season of American Horror Story, the always exceptional Jessica Lange somehow gets even more amazing. Seriously, just give her all the Emmys.
8. And when she sucked the life out of a scientist who pissed her off.
But killing him gave her a gorgeous youthful glow. Worth it! (Also, did she go to the Winifred Sanderson School of Sucking The Life Out of Youths?)
9. When Madison killed her director by telepathically dropping a light on his head.
Um, ouch. That looks painful. Turns out this was the incident that got Madison sent to Miss Robichaux’s. Do all young witches end up murdering someone?
10. When Queenie stabbed her hand with a fork — and Madison felt it.
Queenie is a “human Voodoo doll.” Not the most useful power to have, but it’s certainly unique. And gross.
11. When Madison overturned a bus full of frat boys who raped her.
Good riddance. Or as Fiona put it, “The world’s not gonna miss a bunch of assholes in Ed Hardy T-shirts.”
12. When Fiona mentally threw Madison into a wall.
This is why we don’t sass Jessica Lange.
13. When we learned the secret ingredient to Madame LaLaurie’s face mask: pancreas.
Taken from one of her slaves. Without anesthesia, naturally.
14. When Marie Laveau poisoned Madame LaLaurie.
And this is why we don’t fuck with Angela Bassett. Incidentally, there was also a real Marie Laveau, though sadly, she didn’t actually poison Madame LaLaurie.
15. When Zoe raped and killed the frat boy who led the gang rape of Madison.
At last, Zoe is learning to use her powers for…uh, good?
16. When Fiona dug up the very much alive Madame LaLaurie.
Hey, look, someone has a new drinking buddy!
What did you think of the American Horror Story: Coven premiere?
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