15 Enticing Vintage Comic Book Ads

If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

1. X-Ray Specs

Aside from the creep factor — look through women’s clothes! — x-ray glasses are insanely cool. Imagine being able to see what crap people have stuffed in their pockets, or rooting out shoplifters with a quick glance around the store. For just $1, you, too, can have Superman’s powers.

2. Frontier Cabin

Why pay for an expensive apartment when you can move out of your parents’ house and into your own frontier cabin? OK, these weren’t actually made of logs so much as cardboard, but beggars can’t be choosers. Owning your own cabin for $1 is definitely a bargain.

3. Nuclear Sub

Impress your friends and dazzle your enemies with a nuclear submarine. While it’s unclear if this mini-sub has actual nuclear capabilities (I’m gonna guess not), no one else needs to know that. Just make sure this doesn’t fall into the wrong hands — just think of the damage a rival nation could do.

4. Muscles

In a little over a month, you’ll go from weakling to Hercules. Or you’ll strain yourself trying to lift something very heavy. Either way, you’ll be better equipped to deal with the bullies who torment you for taking exercise advice from the ads in the back of comic books. They’re laughing now — but soon!

5. Monsters

Do you dare? Sure, it’s worth it if these monsters will serve as your personal bodyguards, but it’s tough to harness the power of creatures from another realm. Luckily, these beings aren’t exactly sentient, so while they’re not great for protection, they probably won’t kill you either.

6. Life Size Inflatable Doll

Can’t find a real woman? Perhaps you’d settle for an inflatable one. While the ad claims these blow-up ladies are anatomically correct, they’re, um, not equipped for love-making. Sorry, pervs. But hey, if you just want something awkward to cuddle with, it’s totally worth the $10.

7. Sea-Monkeys

The reality is that they’re tiny shrimp whose eggs can be freeze dried for long periods of time. But let’s just pretend they’re incredible underwater beasts! And yes, you can really train these guys, as long as your idea of training is poking the plastic tank until they move. Best pets ever.

8. Miniature Dog

This one’s only kind of a scam! (See also: free tiny monkey.) The thing about small animals is that they actually require care, so if you do somehow manage to get the dog, you’re going to have to — ugh — take care of it. On the other hand, look how precious! It fits in your hand. (And poops there. Seriously, gross.)

9. Height

Cheer up, shorty — you’ll soon be a whopping eight inches taller. And all it takes is wearing these special shoes that are basically high heels for dudes. Hey, they’re only $8, and that’s a very good price for a lifetime of attention from the preferred sex. (Namely a lot of people being like, “Why?”)

10. Perfume

Why yes. Yes, I do. Can a bottle of perfume really give you control over men? Maybe! Stranger things have happened. And no matter what, you’ll at least smell really good. How could you go wrong with perfume sold in the back of a comic book? Maybe it smells like nerd!

11. Hypno-Coin

If you can’t afford $2 perfume, you can control men’s minds with a $1 Hypno-Coin. Hypnosis by non-professionals is tricky business, but with this must-have accessory, you’ll be a powerful influencer in no time. Or you’ll annoy the hell out of people, which will also help you get your way.

12. Kryptonite Rocks

Not sure why you’d need this unless you’re a supervillain, but hey, to each his own. And really, isn’t it nice to know you’ll have some defense against Superman when he finally snaps and goes after you and your loved ones? At the very least, green rocks make a neat conversation piece.

13. Glow-In-The-Dark Tie

Ties are boring, right? WRONG. This tie glows in the dark, which is sure to get you plenty of female attention. Will it be positive? Maybe! What’s important is that you’ll definitely be the center of attention, a prime spot to practice your Pick Up Artist game. (Note: don’t be a PUA.)

14. Daisy Pump Gun

Don’t let the floral name fool you: these guns are totally bad-ass. While not as cool as a real weapon, you can still do some serious damage. That’s why you have to remember that even Daisy Pump Guns aren’t toys and should probably not be advertised to children in the back of comic books. Wait.

15. Revolutionary War Soldiers

OK, wow, this almost seems too good to be true. For just under $2, you get an entire army at your disposal. All petty fights will soon be resolved with your personal militia. Your enemies will cower at— OK, wait, looks like these are just toy soldiers. Whatever, you can leave them in a bully’s shoes. That’ll teach him.