29. Patience is a virtue. Don’t start celebrating too early or you’ll tire yourself out.
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28. Even if you’re not surprised, have the good grace to ACT surprised.
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27. It’s okay. Candles are normal. Just blow them out.
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26. Hats can be difficult. For this reason, they are strictly optional past the age of 10.
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25. Don’t get drunk before the festivities. No matter how old you’re turning.
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24. Make sure they get your best side in all the photos. Lighting, lighting, lighting.
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23. Have enough refreshments for everyone. The last thing you need is a vicious frosting fracas.
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22. Be excited, but not TOO excited. You may get spit all over your cake.
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21. Don’t steal someone else’s cake, you birthday whore.
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20. Oh, so you’re a year older. So what? Don’t pout.
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19. Age with dignity. Again, the hat is purely up to you.
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18. It’s okay to preen a little on your birthday.
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17. Don’t complain about the gifts/cake/etc. If you must complain, complain about the weather/being so freaking old.
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16. An intimate gathering of friends can be just as fun as a raging kegger. Though you and I both know the pictures won’t be nearly as interesting.
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15. Do not celebrate with imaginary/fictional friends in the confines of your apartment. If you’re gonna celebrate, do it right, dammit. At least order takeout and make chitchat with the delivery guy.
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14. Whether or not you wear embarrassing birthday paraphernalia is up to you – but remember that pictures on Facebook last forever and never die.
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13. Everyone is allowed to be swanky on their birthdays. Never forget this.
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12. Sometimes parties are a pain. Maybe just go out to dinner if you cannot handle letting your lunatics – er, friends – into your apartment.
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11. Cupcakes are a totally legit alternative to cake.
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9. Again… hats. Like… really think about it before you make a decision.
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8. Contrary to popular beliefs, piñatas are fun at any age. The only difference is making sure you’re inebriated before you start swinging. Hilarity/danger ensues!
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7. If your friends made you a cake, be gracious and EAT IT. Even if it’s the worst. That’s what being an adult is. Yay!
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6. Even if it’s your birthday, it’s polite to wait until others begin eating before doing so yourself.
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5. No counting calories. It’s your birthday.
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4. At a certain age, opening gifts in front of people can be mortifying. You do not have to do this.
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3. Having a hard time eating? Take off your elaborate birthday costume. And AGAIN. RETHINK THE HAT.
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2. Nobody is too big or small to have a birthday celebration.
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And the most important rule of all…
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